Saturday, February 04, 2006

wouldn't it be nice?

i've been in love a few times. it was really a lot of fun. those situations all ended differently than i would have liked at the time, but i look back now and see that there was no lasting harm, and things are just fine and actually probably better this way.

i used to fall in like with girls so easily. it seemed there were always one or two girls that i was
interested in and wanted to ask out. now that doesn't seem to happen much; i jokingly say 'i think i'm broken'. rather, i think i'm scared of the whole deal. correction: i like 'the whole deal', but the risk that the deal may go sour is greater than the possibility of something awesome with a girl i only kind of know.

'you think too much; you just need to let it happen.'

so said my voice teacher once. he was referring to my technique [probably my breathing, knowing dr. rothlisberger], but it's a good observation in general. with the girls that i have liked signficantly, the stronger interest never formed on the first or second date; rather, it took a colaboration of dates, activities, and simple friendship, catalyzed by some sort of special event where we got to know each other better beyond the facet presented during dates; where you stop trying to be 'your best' and start to be the person your friends love. there's a standard level of date conversation and presentation that is friendly and works to be approachable, but if you never get past that, you never connect.

and when you do, that's often when it becomes and awesome date.

i've been on a lot of dates lately with a lot of good girls. 8 dates in the past three weeks, i think. i've had fun on all of them, and all of the girls we nice. a common question afterward is 'would you like to go out with her again?' well, sure. there's no reason not to. i've wondered if a better question is 'would you be sad if you didn't go out with her again?' that doesn't formulize my
dilema as much as i would prefer, unfortunately, as love doesn't happen on the first date. not when you are watching for it like a hawk, at any rate. so how did i end up feeling differently for those few girls who made everything magic?
i don't know, it just happened. after a while.

do i ask a girl out for three times if the first time wasn't too awkward and hope that i catch on on fire? why did i ask out whatsherface for a third time if, after the second date, i wrote 'i don't think she's for me'? the delicate aspect of dating is that we are not testing out cars, where you can test as many as you want as often as you want and no one cares except for the guy hoping for his commission. meeting a nice girl and dating her a few times 'just to see' can lead to confusion and hurt, especially if she thinks you're great and you think she's nice but nothing beyond that. i've been on the other side a few times. naturally, this side isn't that much greener.

but that's where my thesis collides with itself from the beginning: i've been on that hurt and broken side before and yet i look at myself and acknowledge that it was best this way and that i'm fine and maybe even better [evidently more cautious, too]. but somehow still alive.

when it all comes down to it, though, you can get it if you try. and there's really not much else that matters. i believe in love. the few moments that i've had with it have been wonderful. i don't know much about the love a parent feels for their child from the perspective of the parent, but i don't think i will ever value it above the love that can grow between a husband and wife. it just doesn't make any sense otherwise. girls are really awesome. i like them a lot.
and if i do, will it be with you?
i need to get ready for my date.

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