i've gone though so many ideas, thoughts, observations, and commentaries today that i am now unsure what to write.
my hometeachers came by tonight on that rare time when beej and i are home together. i love having ashly as my hometeacher; he's a good friend and a good person. his lesson included number of pieces of paper, each with a trial of some sort written on them; we had to choose two that we felt would be the hardest for us to deal with. i chose 'death of someone close' and 'broken heart.' the others included 'lost job', 'lonliness', 'stress', 'car trouble', 'harassed for being lds', and such.
while i did not think of it when i made my selections, both involve the removal of a significant person from my life. all are legitimate trials we can go through, and it was interesting to see how people made choices based on who they are and what's going on in their life.
it's hard not having a job. i'm working on that, though the corporate life is a great unknown [and i worry that i will misread some description and end up selling something on a telephone all day....], and work of any sort can bring a certain degree of fulfillment. as i have mentioned earlier, one of the major ways our society evaluates ourselves and others is based on what we 'do'. that is simply something we think about when we first meet a person. that's one of the first questions asked on my profile off to the side there.
in japan, they want to know your blood type.
it follows, then, that as a 'freelance camera assistant' who really isn't doing much work right now, it's hard to get myself going some mornings. i did get out and run/walk and even made it to the weight room, and am now quite sore in some spots. my goal is to go swimming tomorrow. it's hard to relax when there's nothing to relax from.
people are the stuff of life. talking about what we chose, beej mentioned that as he looks at possible changes in his life, he realizes how important his job is. he shared a story of his friend who's husband had lost his job but that time turned into one of the best becuase they were more concerned for each other.
i watch '24' not because i need to know what's going to happen, but the group and i need to know what's going to happen. Christmas break isn't so much fun because i am in moorhead, but because i am with my family; i loved being in centennial for so many years because of the great roommates i had; projects at byu were exhilerating not just because we were making movies--it was working with some wonderful people and watching what happened when we came together; i don't want to get married for tax reasons- i want to be with my best friend forever.
the people i am closest to are those i talk to. friends i stay up late talking with, friends to whom i can vent out my frustrations and fears because they know i'm just getting it out, friends who come to me when things are falling apart. something forms when you talk with a friend; sharing your struggles creates an understanding and a connection that can be really awesome. the times when i've ended up significantly liking a girl started from such conversations. i think that is also why great faith and closeness to God requires sincere and honest prayer. you're in it together.
walking back from my exercise excursion, i saw my neighbor sitting on the steps watching her 3-year old girl play.
i view the married crowd the way the u.s. businesses view the japanese: you seem the same yet it's a very different world that i don't know much about. in a way i can't quite put my finger on, people change when they get married. i suppose sealing yourself to another for time and all eternity carries with it a different mindset than that of a singles ward.
while i may be overly cautious, i don't want to be the understanding guy for a frustrated young wife. i don't know what is and isn't appropriate about being friends with a married girl, and would rather be safe than sorry. on the other hand, it is alright to talk with my neighbor, right?
my knowledge of the married world and me is based on a comment made by a wise girl as we were talking on mountain overlooking kyoto many years ago [on a study aboad, not as a missionary]. speaking of a guy she once dated who wrote to her after he was married and said he was thankful for the relationship they had, she stated 'i don't have 'relationships' with married men.'
that being said, i was a little weary of sitting down to talk, but i have observed that she is not only married but also 25 and therefore appreciates talking with people her own age sometimes. [another interesting observation is that married people generally think that singles have a much more exciting life--that worries me because 1- i figured married people had more fun; you're sealed to your best friend, right? and 2- i like the fun i have now and really don't want to lose it].
despite sabina being from germany, married, and a mom, we are pretty much in the same situation; stay at home, bored beyond all else and wanting to do so much more. it can be very difficult to get going when there is nothing to help keep up the momentum. i noticed this in school, that when i was busy with projects and classes i somehow managed to do more than when i had a whole day free to do with however i pleased. i have fallen short of my daily goals for this week, yet i have done some of them, which is more than i did without the goals, and that is encouraging.
it was nice to talk with my neighbor some, as well as to simply enjoy the nice weather today. i offered to watch their kids on valentine's day if they wanted a night for themselves. i was considering asking a girl to go see 'sense and sensibility' at the international cinema that night, so i'll see what happens. i'm fine with watching my movies here, too, although i doubt leoni [who is 3] will appreciate 'punch drunk love' the same way i do; we may end up watching 'aladdin' that night. [i could suggest 'il postino', but she probably couldn't read the subtitles fast enough].