where do you stand?

editor's note: the title of this posts suggest something noble, such as a dissertation on ethics or morals.  sorry.  rather, the following post is about urinals.  we apologize if you were looking some uplifting sunday afternoon reading.

i was going through a box of files a few nights ago.  they were things that i had collected and saved from high school and the time immediately following my mission.  newspaper clippings and magazine articles about aliens and conspiracies, some noteworthy high school papers (about conspiracies), cards from graduation and good luck signs from theatre shows, and anything else i deemed worth holding onto.

at that time, the internet was still vey much in the 1.0 phase, with it being most populated with usegroups and gopher sites by college kids, when .edu was the most common way to have access (even if it was limited by the campus library.)  before people discovered the joy of forwarding cat pictures (the thought of having pictures on a computer, much less including them in an e-mail, was only for techno-thriller movies; even adding color to your e-mail text was often unlikely), this came my way, and i printed it off and saved it in the aforementioned files.

i am preserving the formatting as best as possible:

There is a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.  Men should ace this test... but women may have a little difficulty.
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The following is a sample urinal configuration in a men's room:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

In the test, an X in a stall will indicate "in use."  The example indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied:

|   |   | X |   |   | X |

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand.  Good luck!

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Easy Section
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1.)
|   | X |   | X |   |   |       (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)

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Your choice: ____
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Correct answer: 6              It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.
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2.)
| X |   |   |   |   |   |        (Urinal 1 occupied.)

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Your choice: ____

Correct answer: 6           Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

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Kind of Tricky Section

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3.)

|   |   |   |   |   |   |       (empty)

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Your choice: ____

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Correct answer: 1 or 6             You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

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4.)

|   | X |   | X |   | X |       (urinals 2, 4 and 6 occupied.)

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Your choice: ____

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Correct answer: 1              You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left.  NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it.  Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

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Subtle, Tricky, but Important-to-know Section

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5.)

|   | X |   |   | X | X |       (2, 5 and 6 occupied.)

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Your choice: ____

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Correct answer: 4            Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2.  And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we?  This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained.  Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!

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VERY Tricky Indeed Section

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6.)

| X | X |   |   | X | X |       (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied.)

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Your choice: ____

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Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more.  If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, use a door stall.

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Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.

-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.

-- NO singing.  Period.

-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgement only... "Yeah, I see you there.  I will not look again."