life on another feature

i woke up this morning trying to think how long we'd been shooting this movie. as consciousness came, dragging coherency behind, i remembered: today would be our second day. it felt like it's been a week already. but features always feel like that.
i'm really enjoying being a first a.c. i run the camera department, and, as i learned on the movie i shot in april, a major part of success is surrounding yourself with good people. my 2nd a.c. is phenomenal, always thinking ahead, working tirelessly, quickly picks up what she doesn't already know, and is a master at organization. our loader is doing a very good job, despite slightly messy handwriting and him actually wanting to be on the electric crew. and our intern used to live next to me many years ago at centennial.
the day doesn't fly by almost frighteningly fast as it does when i'm a d.p., but time does move quickly. we're always moving the camera, changing lenses, getting focus marks, loading the camera, changing out this or that, and generally being awesome. granted, this is a light show and a good crew who all know each other, and i guess that makes it a prime spot for me to venture as a first a.c. and frankly, i'm loving it and i think i'm doing a good job.
this evening, as we were wrapping, ryan [the d.p. and good friend] came and quietly told me that he had just talked with the lab and that there was a serious problem with the film. it sounded like something that would have been my fault, but as we examined the camera and what we thought could have gone wrong, nothing seemed to make sense. so we left today knowing we had an issue to take care of, and while we're getting a new camera tomorrow, i'll feel a lot better when i know what caused the problem.

one of these nights i hope to get a decent night's rest.

waiting

about a week ago, our internet stopped working. i have no idea what's wrong with the blasted thing, but we can't connect to the world wide web in our house [hence i'm writing this on my computer's notepad, to be later published on the blog]. i called comcast on tuesday to set up an appointment. the soonest they could have someone out here was saturday. in this day and age, having the internet is not different from having running water. afterall, i've got a blog to maintain....
so we went through a long and arduous week, counting down the days. they called me this morning to confirm that the appointment was still needed and said that they'd be here within an hour.

we patiently waited.

at one point i ran out to my car and saw a comcast truck parked a few houses down. they were probably at another appointment and would come to our rescue shortly.

we waited some more.

after a bit i had a missed call on my phone. the voice mail was a courteous comcast employee, calling to say that they had come by but unfortunately missed us and hoped we could set up another appointment.

what??

i called them back and, after pushing the correct series of buttons, waited on hold for five minutes to talk to a customer service rep. who knows what happened, but no one ever came to our door. nevertheless, we were out of luck, because their techs were booked up until wednesday, although they were happy to call me if another appointment cancelled.

the wednesday thing was pointless, because my movie started on monday, meaning that i would be working for the full time that they could potentially schedule me in.
i ended up calling comcast six more times today, getting a range of representatives, from genuinely helpful to genuinely apathetic, and even spoke with a manager who offered us a month's free service as an apology [editor's note: we still haven't seen this yet].

in short, i was in a salty mood by the end of the day.

but we did go see 'ratatouille', which was absolutely wonderful.

internet.... come back, internet....

thank you, visa

-standard size changing tent from camera essentials: $186
-color chart from fotokem: $32
-'fat max extreme' tape measure: $24.98
-1/4-20x2-1/2 flat head machine screws: $0.98
-other screws, washers, and bolts: $4.65
-8 digit calculator: $2.99
-memo size clipboard: $1.29
-22 range pocket multimeter: $29.99
-assorted bnc connectors: $17.47
-20" husky tool bag: $29.99
-metric and standard hex key set: $8.97
-8" flathead screwdriver: $7.99
-1 1/2" 'fat boy' screwdriver: $3.67
-rubberbands, three pencil pouches, sharpies, and a four pack of pilot g-2 pens: $15.25
-(first trip to wal-mart) trendy memo pad, stowaway container, 650 pc. zip tie set, electrical tape, more sharpies and g-2s, blue chalk, and ear plugs: $24.36
-(second trip to wal-mart) snack size ziploc baggies, batteries, hexbolts, 6" pliers, three more pencil pouches, storage pouch, scissors, pencil sharpener, hand sanitizer, two c-clamps: $29.92
-(third trip to wal-mart) 3x5 memo pad [not trendy], headlamp, small caribbeaner, travel pack of 'wet ones', yet another storage box, pocket size notebook: $26.72
-staedtler lumocolor wet-erase pens, not available at any other store in the provo-orem area except for the byu bookstore, the choice of fine a.c.s everywhere: $7.82

prepping for your first feature as a 1st a.c.: $455.04
knowing that if ye are prepared ye shall not fear: priceless

jeffrey and the bad day

today did not go well.

i've been recording legal depositions lately. it's simple, nearly mind-numbing work that pays better per hour than anything else i do. i show up to some place, point my camera in the right direction, and change tapes when needed. the simplicity of this makes today that much more frustrating.

i showed up at the location about 45 minutes early with my mcdonald's breakfast still in the bag. walking around the building to find the door to the lawyer's office, a guy met me and asked if i was the videographer. i smiled and said i was. he sternly told me that they were all waiting for me.
i began moving my equipment up the stairs into the legal conference room as half a dozen out of state lawyers stared at this kid in a bowtie. it turns out that the firm that set up everything told me that the meeting was to start at 9 a.m. pacific time, when in actuality it was mountain time. as i explained this, everyone exchange looks and comments regarding the unbelievable incompetance of the utah legal business. the most dominant lawyer called up the reporting firm and thoroughly chewed out the poor girl on the other end while i quickly tried to assign the mircophones as inconspicuously as possible.
to my advantage, the court reporter was also unaware of the time mishap, causing the glaring to be split between the two of us.

when i did my very first deposition sometime earlier this year, i showed up with my camera and tripod. the already-nervous court reporter about had a heart attack when i gave her a confused look in response to a question about my 'tape back-up'. this is the same equipment i use to shoot commercials, which costs more than what these lawyers charge. i've never even though of having a back-up.
nevertheless, the guy who hired me sent me out today with a chunky old vcr so that i could record a vhs copy from the camera.
under the stress of the whole time zone fiasco, i wired everything and everyone one and said i was ready as fast as i could.

doing these depositions is one of those situations where the people don't seem to like you being there and don't want you to make a sound. so announcing that there are five minutes left or that we need to stop and change tapes always draws paradoxical glares, them suspecting that it was actually my idea to have the hour-long tape run out every sixty minutes.
on the third tape, i noticed that the air conditioning was making some horrendous quiet but high pitched noise. i didn't think it would affect the audio, but i still kept waiting for it to stop. after about 20-30 minutes, i wondered if it could be the camera. no; in all the years that i've shot, i've never heard a camera make a noise like that. after another ten minutes, i leaned in to the camera. to my horror, the noise became louder--it was coming from the camera.

i pride myself in being someone who will stand up and admit a mistake when i discover something is wrong; hiding it just makes it worse. but with my vcr backup running and this big mean lawyer guy already not liking me, i chose to put my faith in the vhs instead of asking them to stop, let me check my camera, and possibly have to repeat the last 45 minutes of testimony.
a few minutes later they chose to take a 10-minute break. i checked the tape and my heart sank. there was a picture on the left side. the right side was a blank-blue, and a garbled mess divided them in the middle. the audio was completely useless as well. again, i should have faced up then. but i had the vcr and didn't want to cause unneccessary alarm.

lunch and a few more hours and we were done around 4 p.m. [lunch was my lukewarm mcdonald's breakfast in my car as i ran to the store to buy more mini-dv tapes]. as people had left and i was wrapping my equipment, i again tried to be friendly and began talking to the alpha lawyer. with the stress of the day's work behind him, he was not only more approachable than i once suspected, but also a graduate of byu's law school. i'm always a little disappointed when i meet byu alum who are 'successful' but snobbish jerks. by now there was no point in confessing the fallen nature of my mini-dv tape, but i did call the guy who hired me when i got out. he said to bring the tapes by and we could check it out.

the mini-dv tape was indeed 100% useless. as we were ensuring that there was nothing of use on the tape, the guy was mentioning how another court reporting firm lost some footage and the lawyers essentially sued them out of existance. the tragic irony of my ineptitude to properly use a camcorder was starting to weigh heavily. a delicate film camera, costing hundreds of thousands of dollars with dozens of tiny, precise parts? sure, no problem. pressing record on a video camera? i botched it.
we checked the vhs tape. blank. nothing. we check another. nothing.
my ability to wire a vcr is now a goose egg, too.

had i just caused this guy to lose his business? would these lawyers come after him with their emotionless ties and stacks of bland legal books? how could this possibly end up even remotely ok? was i going to get paid?

i came home that night feeling pretty low for all of the reasons described above. i had told him that if there were any problems at all [and there most certainly would be] to take it out of my money first. today was a bad day from the start. please don't take a picture.


epilogue:: about a week or two later i got a call from the guy. when they told the reporting firm, they were surprisingly unconcerned about the whole mess. apparently this happens more often than we thought. life went on, they gave them the footage we did have, and i got paid $100 for my gas and other expenses. wow.

about what meets the eye

i couldn't place what didn't work for me until a discussion with a friend on saturday night.

i was skeptical when i heard rumors about the live action transformers movie last summer. optimus prime's voice was still by peter cullen, but he had a mouth and not his ninja mask. further, i didn't hear THE noise when they transformed. and their mechanical construction was much more complex than i was used to. i was apprehensive.
as spring has come and the release came closer, i began to relax. i can forgive these 'minor' changes [if i concentrate hard enough], and i started to let go of my expectations and to anticipate the movie. our unofficial elder's quorum trip on opening night soon included the bisop and several girls. and i was one of those guys who clapped and cheered when a preview of it came on before 'pirates 3'.
the day before it opened, i ended up spending several hours on wikipedia, reading up on transformer mythology of all sorts. it would be really nerdy if it weren't so cool. plus, this knowledge gave me tales of 'unicron,' 'primus', and 'orion pax' [five points if you know who that last one is].

while my excitement was just a little forced, it was a lot of fun to be there on opening night. there was a feeling amongst the crowd that so many of us got to be kids again for the night; it was a time to remember why we love popcorn movies. some were there to see the big movie of the summer, and some were there to see the heroes of our past. cheers and applause were dappled through the audience, and several of us yelled when we even saw the first shot of that red and blue semi-truck.

the movie was good. it was by no means great, but it didn't rot, either.
i like shia lebeouf, though he has a crush on a girl who has to be the skankiest of all california high school girls. nevertheless, once she got her 'i'm a maxim model' shots out of the way, both of them were fine [and i liked the nod to the die-hards by keeping the name 'witwicky'.] the problem was that the movie could not stand because it was divided between robots and humans. sam, skankerella, and... to be honest, i don't even really know the names of any of the other humans in the movie. there was john turturro, jon voight, and the black and white military guys, but i don't remember ever knowing their names. the humans were there to provide human interest, so that we didn't have to try to relate to cg robots.

but that's where the film makers didn't trust either their audiences nor themselves--and both have proven capable. i'm not a cg guy; i don't get excited by a movie because of the effects. good effects are only as good as the story they are connected to. the robots in this movie were flawlessly capable of telling the story of creatures from outer space coming to earth to fight for a secret energy spark.
90% of the guys in the theater over 24 were there because they had watched optimus prime, bumblebee, jazz, and ironhide busting decepti-chops two decades before. the cartoon series had spike and his son daniel, but they were more of a connection for the robots with the human world of the show; their revelance to the relation of the viewer was minimal. there was no need for them. the personalities of the autobots [and decepticons] were so established and so real that we related to them. the most infamous example of this is how traumatized children were when optimus prime died in the 1986 movie. history has proven that people can relate to these robots, and much of that relationship was at least partially established before the movie even started. and so it was unfortunate that we had so little time with optimus prime and the autobots. so much of the movie was filtered through the unnecessary eyes of the humans on the screen.

though these weren't entirely the autobots i knew 20 years ago. the heroes of my youth carried with them an unspoken air of dignity. prime was kind and compassionate, but also taught discipline by example, and his troops respectfully emulated him. now, they clumsily try to hide behind houses with moments of cluelessness and immaturity, akin to young teenage mutant ninja turtles [i also love the turtles, but they are not autobots]. and seeing bumblebee 'open his valve' on agent turturro was almost shameful.

there were a few moments when it connected just right. in the end battle, when megatron squares off against optimus prime, one can't help but feel a bit of excitement to hear the decepticon growl, 'prime...'. and in a 100% nod to the old skool die hards, optimus solemnly declares, 'one shall stand, and one shall fall'. it got pretty fun there for a moment.
then michael bay remembered it was his movie. the camera moved so quickly in so many directions that it was nigh impossible to tell what was happening, who was pounding whom. destruction and carnage flew every which way, and when a 'mighty warrior' was taken in battle, we didn't care; we were never given a chance to know them, and so it was just another car getting torn apart.

the movie made hundreds of millions of dollars. i've heard that number two is already written and that they're just waiting for michael bay to say yes. and i'll probably go and see that one, too. on opening day.
but i don't plan on buying it when it comes to dvd.
i've already got my transformers: the movie.

Jesus He knows me

a few weeks ago i was watching 'rebel without a cause'. near the beginning, the students take a field trip to the local planetarium, and at one in the show the big bang is presented, with galaxy upon galaxy exploding into existance. this was one of those times when you step up to a further realization of something that you thought you understood before. watching all of those galaxies and the millions of stars and all that that incomprehensibly encompasses, i had an glimpse into how God looks over all of creation. He sees and knows all of those stars and their lives and understands the infinite expanse of the cosmos. yet every night when i kneel down to pray, He is available to hear my little excitements of my day at work or the concerns i may hold inside.

today became one of those days when i wondered if i had done any good, and God knew that i was wondering this. prayers are answered in many different ways, and very often, it's through other people. angels and voices would be more convenient at times, but that doesn't happen much. instead, it's that comment made by someone who isn't thinking much about it, but to the hearer, it's the beseeched answer. and when several of those pile up, it leaves very little room for skepticism.

we are not alone.

twelve

editor's note: the review of 'transformers' will be posted monday. thank you for your patience, as it has taken our critic several days to formulate his final opinion and develop the justifications for such.

when you try your best, but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse?

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and i will try to fix you,

high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down on your face
and i

tears stream down your face
i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down on your face
and i

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

my old testament challenge

there are 1184 pages in the king james version of the old testament. there are 184 days left in the year [coincidence, honestly].
if i read six and half pages a day, i will have it finished by the end of the year. no commentaries, no cross-referencing, just reading the old testament all the way through.
here we go.

wannabe

over the years, i've met some girls i've liked, a few i've really liked, and even a couple that have liked me. rarely do these two match up, and i've wondered what i can do better on my part: how do you make yourself like someone? i don't think you can, nor should you have to force it. this has led me to wonder what makes me like a girl. years of close research has yet to yield a magic checklist of qualities, attributes, and quirks, but i have a found a couple of generally common denominators.

denominator the first: can you sing along to my ipod in the car? hardly a factor in determining the stable character of a nice girl, but this really means a lot to me, and does tend to say a fair amount about the person. i'm certainly not saying that i will only go out with someone who can sing along to every song on my nano, nor am i saying that if she does not like my music that the date is over. far from it. heck, my sister doesn't much care for most of what i listen to. although, our strong brother-sister relationship was somewhat catalyzed by our singing along to the mixed tape that played in the minivan as we drove to seminary and high school on those cold minnesota mornings. singing [especially in the car] is something i really enjoy and someone who can joing with me makes it all better.
the bottom line is, if you can grab my ipod, flip through it and find several songs you enjoy singing along to [and proceed to do so], you're a lap ahead of the pack.

denominator the second: do you leave notes? notes, trinkets, surprises, i'm a sucker for them. i like making things and i like getting made things. i didn't grow up in utah where the high school dance culture revolved around 'creative' ways of asking someone out, but i love it. this really didn't blossom until after a few years at byu, but the fire still burns within me. and forget homecoming and preference [mostly because i don't have anything like it around me]--it's not unusual for me to ask a girl on a date with a box of crayons, a coupon, a mystery letter taped to your door at 1 a.m., a film can and a corn cob; whatever i find lying around and whenever the idea strikes me. i don't need a reason, i just love doing it. which means that if you respond in kind, points go on the scoreboard. i guess this echoes that little box i have: i keep the notes taped to my door, the little cranes made out of chocolate wrappers, colorings and flower petals. opening my door to find something left for me: i'm tickled pink.

that's all i've distilled from myself so far. certainly there are a lot of things, some more important than others, but this is the best i can figure.

ladies, now you know.
and knowing is half the battle.

my 200th post

if it says anything, i'll let it speak for itself.
thank you for reading.

my life in a tiny box

i have a little box of stuff. a couple actually; i've found two more since cleaning out my room. and i have about five or six in the top of the closet in the room that used to be mine back in minnesota.

i keep things. 'scraps', i suppose they could be called, as i think i have this secret hope that i will put all of these things into a scrapbook someday. they are the tokens of my life, mementos saved and evidences of what i've done and of who i am. much of it is apparently meaningless, just 'stuff'. but i knew where they came from, who was there, and why i want to remember it.

in the boxes, i have a delta airlines luggage with a sticker from the phuket, thailand airport security, an ihop reciept from may 5, 2005, a napkin from 'weinerschnitzel' advertising the 'chili dog diet' as 'a diet you just can't lose', a ticket stub from a bus in seoul, one frame from a 35mm print of ingmar bergman's 'wild strawberries', a reciept from macy's grocery store that i can't remember why i have it at the moment, a forklift operator's card and a blood donor card [i'm A+], a ticket to a passover seder service, the business card of a cinematographer, an acceptance letter from a girl i asked on a date once, a reciept from the osaka restaurant from october 2001, remnants of clues from an invite to prefernce during the 2004 presidential elections, the bank card from the nice lady in oregon who helped me when my identity was stolen, and old driver's license, a card identifying me as 'the man', a receipt from a byu traffic ticket that i politely talked down from $20 to $5, a pass to a convention in las vegas and a byu all-sport pass, a piece of 70mm film from a print of 'the testaments', a fortune cookie fortune stating that i am 'strong and brave', a birthday card and a gift card to cinemark from a rad girl many years ago [that thankfully does not expire], the ID number from the triathalon i swam/biked/ran last fall, roughly a dozen [mostly handmade] cards from a friend and former movie producer now living in pennsylvania, ticket stubs from the bullet train in japan, receipt for a t-shirt from the hard rock cafe in washington d.c., a colorful bracelet tied on my arm by a cute little shopkeeper in a small village in thailand, a wallet-sized picture of me sitting on graffitied concrete stating 'i ain't in love with you, lady', a small envelope containing an apology card from a girl not being able to come on a date and an accompanying oversized 'raincheck', a brochure from the libery bell, a coin from the united arab emirates, a tag with the number '4619' identifying the pants i wore in 'ocean's 13', a thank you card from the lady who gave me my beloved stuffed dog 'mickey' when i was born, a sheet of paper with a message written in code and it's solution announcing an accepted date, a boondoggle than deb tried to sell in 'napoleon dynamite', a letter from a former girlfriend, 2,000 yen and a welcome card from the tokyo conrad hotel, raven symone's cue cards from last year's 'stadium of fire', the pink bible, a bracelet from ghana, wedding announcements of several very close friends, an empty envelope mailed on dec. 23, 2005 with a 'joseph smith' postmark, the ID of malinna the amazing hair stylist who has sadly since graduated but gave me a hug the last time she did my hair, a newspaer clipping about the r.e.m. concert at the e-center, a japan rail pass, my call to and release from jury duty, many thank you cards from various projects and the like, letters from sister missionaries, 20 baht, a postcard from a place in france, a menu from the 'high rocks' lounge next to our hotel in gladstone, oregon, signed by the cute reception girls, the reciept from my buster keaton dvd set, a birthday card from brasil, more handmade cards from pennsylvania, a 3.5" floppy disk containing files from high school, an 'fbi' pin from the olympics, a letter from las vegas in 2001, and several cards from my mom.

i like treasures.

tuesdays with jeff

anyone who's been to the movies with me knows that i stay for the credits, and this is for several reasons. respect to the people who worked on the flick, to see what city they actually filmed in, and sometimes there's a little surprise at the end [this helped pacify our group at 'pirates 3']. when the camera crew credits go by, i wonder what life is like for them. who are the people who get the call, 'hi allen. we need a second a.c. for august through september; yeah, rodrigo prieto's shooting it.' or, 'hey, marty [scorsese] is crewing for his next movie; want to come and load for us?'

as far as i know, all changing tents are the same--there's no magical tent that really makes sure your film doesn't get flashed. is it their tape measures? do they lay their marks with a flair or class that i don't have? if i wound my film cores differently, would steven soderbergh hear of my work and call me some morning, demanding that i load for his next movie?

the same thing happened last year, only worse this year--spring blossomed with work, allowing me to pay off the credit card debt that had accumulated over the barren winter months, and now work has dried again. i saw a friend at a church meeting a few weeks ago and he asked me if there was anything going on. he's a great assistant, ambitious, and personable, so hearing that he was parched, too, made me feel better.

this morning i got up and kept the attitude i had last night--i would get going with my day and be productive. a bowl of malt-o-meal honeynut cheerios with a dvr-ed 'seinfeld' episode had me off to a great start. somewhere around 11 i was at 'screenit.com', reading the specific reasons that made 'saving private ryan' rated R [this included 'many people who are shot are bloody' and 'extreme disrespect/bad attitudes from the german soldiers'] when i got a phone call from an unknown number. the caller said he got my name from a couple of guys i haven't seen in a while and identified himself as a grad student from the l.a. area planning to shoot a music video and needing a 2nd a.c. he prefaced by saying that it seems everyone in utah is working right now [what the--?? who are all these working people and why haven't they called me?], but if i was available, they would like me to help out. the shoot days were this saturday, sunday, and monday, and when i told him my day rate, there was a bit of hesistation, followed with a re-affirmed tone that they could pay for my travel expenses and food and could pay me a day rate, though not what i was used to.
it didn't matter though, because i knew from the start that i wouldn't do it--with few exceptions, i don't work on sundays, and this was not making any sort of an argument to change that. and so i politely declined, citing just such reasons, feeling bad that i had asked about pay when i already knew that i wasn't going to take it. but i did give him the names of some people who may or may not be willing to work on sundays.

i set the phone back on my desk and continued to browse 'screenit' to if 'the departed' really deserved its R-rating. at least i was now not working by choice. 'yeah, i've had some work offered, but i don't work on sundays.' passing on this job certainly wasn't going to make or break me, and i had kept my integrity. i was hoping this would turn into a story i could send to the 'ensign' at some point: '...and then steven spielberg personally called me to load for his next movie, saying he'd heard how accurate my numbers are.'

i remember hearing the morning radio show host talking about all the movies being shot right now; usually when these things happen, i get a call when all the 1st string guys are unavailable. did i insult the wrong guy somewhere?

my room is still an undying mess: like the heads of the hydra, where a head must not only be severed but the neck then cauterized by fire, lest a new one grow back, the piles of stuff--my fourth grade teacher never let us use that word, declaring it to amorphous, yet that is what i have: piles of papers, clothes, books, yes, but there is more that can only be properly classified as 'stuff'--will reform and grow back stronger. the piles must be completely eradicated. a notepad lying next to a film can and a deck of trick cards will soon encompass binders, notebooks, a holey pair of jeans and a japanese flag. we went to ikea on saturday and i spent $15 on two sets of small designer swedish cardboard boxes. i think i may have found the weakness of my personal room-hydra.

i genuinely planned on carving out a severe victory in my room/quagmire today, but opted first for the shower, declining to style my hair out of anything more than moderate apathy. i like the way my hair looks and even smells when 'done', but for some reason the 70 seconds that it takes to rub tea tree pomade or hair wax through is a battle that i only win about half the time.
instead, i relaxed back in my director's chair and read the final few essays in my david sedaris book. i've blazed through all 257 pages rather quickly, leaving me excited to again attack my 'collected works of jane austen'; if i read five short chapters a day, i can have 'sense and sensibility' done in a week and a half.
as i sat reading, my japanese bracelet broke. i wasn't doing anything. my wrist was on the armrest, where it had been resting for five minutes, when a couple of the pink beads made a successful escape. not used to having things just leap from me for no given reason, i moved my hand to see, and, sure enough, the rest of the buddhist rosary beads scattered. i just sat there, not so much saddened by the loss of my favorite little token from japan as i was puzzled as to how this happened--do bracelets really 'just break'?
of course they do. mine just did.

this was my second such trinket and i knew how fragile they were. i was a bit surprised it had lasted for a full year. in japan, they're available from the moneychangers at every shrine and temple, so i picked up two, knowing that east asian religious artifacts are a little harder to come by in the states. my current debate is whether to open up the new beads or to allow a period of mourning first.

somewhere in my last batch of sedaris essays the phone rang again. there is a certain benefit of not keeping very strong social relationships with people i work with. i think it would be a sort of psychological torture to see rich's name on my phone and get excited about the prospect of an intermountain health care commercial, only to be crestfallen as he suggests we go see 'die hard 4' this weekend.
thankfully, the people i see movies with are not the same people i make movies with, and so my hopes rightfully went up as i answered brandon's call. we exchanged pleasantries and mutually admitted that there isn't much work right now [me feeling somewhat validated now], then he asked if i would tentatively be available to work as a 1st a.c. a shot-on-video, straight-to-dvd movie he'd MIGHT be shooting. i considered passing on it, as the shooting dates would mean i'd miss the midnight showing of 'harry potter 5' and also the midnight book release of 'harry potter 7'. perhaps if i hold to what i really want, an even better job will come along later this evening.
call it a lack of faith, but in the end, i decided not to risk it.

heck yes.
while it is 'singles ward 2', work with brandon is always good, feature work means three weeks of work, and being a 1st a.c. is better than being a second or a loader, and i will have an assistant. should it all go through, someone will be calling me in a few days.

it's time to get to this room mess.

who knows, maybe martin scorsese will be impressed with my focus pulls?

rantings and hollerings

they took it seriously and got it right.
there was no watering-down for the common movie goer; many of the films would be unknown to today's teenagers, just like me ten years ago. there were several changes [23 new entries on the list], and most of the remaining 77 shifted positions, with a handful of surprises, even to the point of me yelling at the tv [usually for the better]. and most of the new movies were in the lower third of the list, reaffirming that the choices made 10 years ago still held. there was no concern of redundancy; if it was still a great movie, it was still a great movie.
the american film institute established its 'top 100' list not as a 'one-hit wonder', but as a continuing institution for serious consideration; being that it is 'american' films only, it is not as esoteric nor scholarly as the bfi's 'sight and sound' top 10 poll, yet similar movies are seen in similar rankings.

what's out: the oldest movie on the previous list, d.w. griffith's 'birth of a nation' [1915] is out. so are other early landmarks, including 'the jazz singer' [1927], 'all quiet on the western front' [1930], and 'mutiny on the bounty' [1935]--kind of sad to see that last one go; it's nothing exceptional, but a good movie that i wouldn't have seen had it not been the first list. perhaps it did its job. 'an american in paris' [1951], 'close encounters of the third kind' [1977] [don't worry, speilberg picked up one, too], 'dances with wolves' [1990], 'fargo' [1996] [the most recent on the previous list], 'frankenstein' [1931], 'from here to eternity' [1953], 'the manchurian candidate' [1962], 'patton' [1970], and 'a place in the sun' [1951] are all out, and fairly so. my biggest frustration of the list was that audrey hepburn was not represented, but i'd rather her be out than have 'my fair lady' [1964] be on the list again. most of these movies were in the bottom half of the list, though the highest to leave entirely was #39's 'dr. zhivago' [1965]. david lean, omar shariff, and julie christie are all represented better elsewhere on the list, though my condolences to those who love the movie. [it never did it for me; my favorite david lean movies remained strong on the list]. my one outcry from those that were knocked out was 'the third man' [1949-previously an appropriate#57]. amazing cinematography, one of the most famous appearances in cinema history--how could this be left out?

what's in: this list is even better than what's out. on the first list, there were eight movies released within the last 10 years. this time, there are only four movies since 1996, though all belong on the list: 'titanic' [1997] at #83, 'saving private ryan' [1998] at #71, 'the sixth sense' [1999] at #89, and 'the lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring' [2001] at #50. 'titanic' and 'ryan' are where they should be; 'sixth sense' is an expertly crafted movie and has earned its spot--i'm just curious how well it will hold in the next 10 years. and while i love 'lord of the rings', #50 seems a little high.
following the most recent movie on the list was the oldest: griffith's racist 'birth of a nation' was replaced by his apologetic follow-up, 'intolerance' [1916]--good choice. and with one exception, that was the highest any new movie placed on the list. 'sunrise' [1927], the apex of the silent era ellicited a whoop and cheer when it came on the list, though at #82 it was a little underfavored.
16 of the bottom 30 were new, including 'toy story' [1995] at #99, 'blade runner' [1982] #97, 'do the right thing' [1989] #96, 'sophie's choice' [1982] #91, '12 angry men' [1957] #87, 'spartacus' [1960] #81, and 'all the president's men' [1976] #77. the marx brother's gained a movie with 'a night at the opera' [1935] at #85, and fred astaire and ginger rogers were given a place at #90 with 'swing time' [1935]. and i was very happy to see the largely unknown 'sullivan's travels' [1941] appear at #61.
once #49 passed, no new movies were seen for a long time, and i began to get nervous, fearing that, despite 'sunrise' being added, a travesty had occurred, especially since chaplin had already had two movies show up. but buster keaton's 'the general' [1927] came in with deadpan force at #18.
the 'ins' and the 'outs' were done with great skill and care; with the few changes that i already mentioned, my only other recommendation would be to see 'traffic' [2000] somewhere in the bottom 20. but i can wait.

the changes: 'pulp fiction' [1994] only moved from #95 to 94, while 'goodfellas' [1990] hopped from #94 to 92. give it time.... the marx brothers' timeless classic 'duck soup' moved from #85 to 60, which is comforting. happy to see it, the optimistic 'yankee doodle dandy' [1942] survived and moved from #100 to 98. 'a clockwork orange' [1971] fell from #46 to 70 [hooray], but so did 'dr strangelove' [1964] #26 to 39, 'butch cassidy and the sundance kid' [1969] #50 to 73, and 'bridge on the river kwai' [1957] #36 from 13; sad. 'the godfather part II' [1974] and 'the best years of our lives' [1946] rightfully held their places at #32 and #37. and 'the deer hunter' [1978] moved a wonderful 36 places, to #53 from 79.
and, to my happiness, '2001' [1968] moved to #15 from 22.
there were a couple of big surprises in the upper ranks: chaplin's 'city lights' [1931] going from #76 to 11--my favorite of his movies, and deserving of the top 20, i think 11 is too high, especially since he already has two others on here. and, moving up 84 places to come in at #12 is john ford's 'the searchers' [1956]. i didn't know of the movie when i saw it ranked at #96 ten years ago, but after hearing all the reverence for it amongst critics, scholars, and directors, it seems much better appreciated now.
'the graduate' and 'on the waterfront' fell from the top 10--7 and 8 to 17 and 19, respectively , but they felt out of place there anyway. the top 10 did hold the most interesting and corrective changes. the fun thing about these lists is that, once you get to a certain height, you know what has to be on there, and so you can start to deduce what will be where by process of elimination. the first time i saw the list, when were down to the final three, i picked 'the godfather' and my brother named 'casablanca', but we couldn't guess what #1 would be.
the new top 10 is great: 'wizard of oz' [1939] went from 6 to 10, while hitchcock's 'vertigo' burst in from it's previous #61. 'schindler's list' [1993] is still the most recent of the inner circle, up one spot to #8. 'lawrence of arabia' [1961] sadly fell from #5 to 7, but it's got tough competition. 'gone with the wind' [1939] was nudged from 4 to 6, leaving the final five predicted by elimination.
the happy: 'singin in the rain' [1950], timeless, ageless, near-perfect [i usually skip the 'modern' sequence at the end] moved from #10 to 5, where it belongs.
the surprise: 'raging bull' [1980], fighting all the way from 24 to 4. it's nice to see scorsese and de niro honored.
the classics: last time it was 'godfather' [1972] then 'casablanca' [1942]; now they've switched, with the corleone family taking the #2 spot.
the winner and still champion: you can't beat 'citizen kane' [1941]. it may not be your favorite movie, but in the crowds of those who know film, it's the most important thing to us all.

you can see both lists, side by side, here.

how does it breakdown?
robert deniro and jimmy stewart each have five, though deniro's range from #92 to #4, while stewart keeps all of his work in the top 50. and, if you want to count 'american graffiti' and 'apocalypse now', harrison ford also has five movies. marlon brando has four, as does humphrey bogart.
orson welles, peter o'toole, and tim allen each have one.

spielberg has directed the most, again with the magic number of five. billy wilder and alfred hitchcock each directed four, and scorsese and coppola each directed three.

all in all, this is a better list to introduce yourself to the greats of american cinema.
which is good, because i've only seen 68 of this new list.

babel

last summer i went running quite often. i really enjoyed it and was getting alright at it. in the morings or the cool of the night, i'd grab my little ipod shuffle and take off down the neighborhood, enjoying the air as i ran to 'the killers', letting the music carry me until i was far more tired than i realized.
i'd always try to run up the hill, pushing myself. i'd then walk for a fair while once atop the hill.

this year, i haven't been out as much, and when i do go, i don't have quite the enjoyment of it nor the strength for it. i can go for some distance, but i invariably slow down and don't get started again as i used to. the ipod is still there, but the heart isn't.
and such is life, at times. and it's hard. i want to be out there, running, working, fighting. i get out when i get out, but i wish i were more disciplined.

listen.

atr

during my senior year of high school, our fall musical was 'little shop of horrors'. i was unfamiliar with the movie or the broadway musical, but my friends said i'd be great as the voice of the plant. when auditions came around, i was perhaps a little over-confident that i would get the part; i didn't practice much, i just went out and recited some of oogey boogey's lines from 'the nightmare before Christmas' and then sang a few bars of 'seventy-six trombones', all in the richest baritone voice i could do.
and sure enough, when roles were posted at 9 a.m. some morning, i was 'the voice of audrey 2'.

i was taking voice lessons at the time and so spent many hours with dr rothlisberger, practicing breathing, pronunciation, and learning all of the correct notes to pseudo-post-modern classics as 'feed me' and 'supper time' [sadly, 'mean green mother from outer space' is not in the broadway play]. and i got pretty good. during rehearsals, i would stand just offstage, saying my lines into an at&t operator headset while one of my friends was inside the giant plant costume. i sang all of the notes on key and followed what was written, doing the best i could. and it was fine.

then, just a day before our final dress- and techincal rehearsal, i thought, 'dang it, i've got this awesome role and i'm probably doing it rather blandly, to be honest. heck with it, i'm doing it how i want.'
and i let loose.
i screamed. i yelled. i swung my voice everywhere it could go. i didn't get every note pitch-perfect, but i probably wasn't as on as i thought before, and now i at least had attitude.
and i was having a lot of fun, too.
and while i was doing all of this, our director had suddenly run up from the auditorium and was now right in my face, jumping up and down and making every known sign, symbol, and leap for 'YES YES YES!!!'

that turned out well.

the greatest movies

i love lists.
i've usually got my 'top 5 cds', 'top 10 movies', and whatever else suits my fancy. and i think that's why i like the oscars so much--it's something to talk about. did sean penn really deserve 'best actor' over bill murray or johnny depp [of course not!] interesting that 'how green was my valley' beat out 'citizen kane' for best picture; could anyone have topped audrey hepburn for 'best actress' in 1953?

in the summer of 1998, the american film institute aired a special called '100 years,100 movies', listing the 100 greatest movies in the century since the invention of the movie camera [1896-1996]. my interest in film had been ignited a few months earlier, but this was like diving head first into the waters. for three hours listening to industry professionals discuss their favorite movies and why they were so influential. looking through a published list, i think i had seen about 20 of the movies, but that soon changed. for the remaining weeks of the summer, i went to the local video store and, thanks to their '7 movies, 7 days, 7 dollars' special, watched a lot of really good movies. i was surprised at how good the 4-hour lawrence of arabia was, didn't quite appreciate 'the philadelphia story' the first time, and was not at all expecting what i saw in '2001'. that weirded me out.

it is now 9 years later and i've seen 79 of the top 100 and the afi has decided it's time for another list, airing tonight at 7 p.m. adding ten years means that movies up through 2006 are now eligble, which has is interesting. when the original list came out, i knew nothing much about movies [i was hoping 'the nightmare before Christmas' would be on there, but understood when it wasn't] and so the list has always been a special collection to me: my introduction to a new world. so a new list has me feeling a little protective, especially to more recent movies. does 'fight club', 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind', 'finding nemo' or 'harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban' belong among the ranks of 'casablanca', 'butch cassidy and the sundance kid' and the third man'? this is getting to be touchy stuff. and i'm starting to understand the controversy over putting 1993's 'schindler's list' at #9 of all time.

the afi selects 400 american movies [with 'lawrence of arabia' and 'lord of the rings', this is a fuzzy line] and asks voters to make their choices based on the film's critical appeal, major awards, popularity over the ages, historical import, and cultural significance. looking over the nominees is interesting. during an IM conversation with my brother [we looked through the list yesterday and debated what should and shouldn't make it], i broke down the selections by decade--it felt like the 90's and 2000's were too favored. thankfully, i was wrong:
silent era [up to 1929, actually]- 22 movies
1930's- 49
1940's- 57
1950's- 50
1960's- 41
1970's- 55
1980's- 55
1990's- 43
2000's- 28

will 'citizen kane' be #1 again? hard to say. certainly nothing has changed in the eyes of the critics, but for a mass-appeal list, will they change it up to make it interesting? when rolling stone magazine put out their 500 greatest albums list, 'sergeant pepper's lonely hearts club band' was #1; not much suprise, nor is there much room to argue. but when vh1 did a top 100 list a few years ago, they chose 'revolver', stating that they want to simply choose something different. 1998, the afi list didn't surprise many people [well, didn't guess it, but i didn't know what to expect then]. if it isn't 'kane', my guess will be for either 'casablanca' [prev. #2] or 'gone with the wind' [#4]. 'the godfather' was #3 before, but it too dark to be crowned the greatest movie of america. ...not that 'citizen kane' is a really picker-upper....

what do i think?
the silents: first and foremost, if 'sunrise' is NOT on the list, there is a serious flaw here [it wasn't on the first list]. 80 years later, this is still a relevant and accessible movie. and one of the few movies to show the redemption of a marriage. chaplin had three on the list last time; i'll let him keep 'city lights'. keaton was sorely absent. either 'sherlock jr.' or 'the general' will be acceptable. and harold lloyd's 'safety last' will be another wise inclusion. 'birth of a nation' was on there 10 years ago; why not griffith's follow-up, 'intolerance'?

1930s: marx brothers' 'duck soup' again, of course. and 1933's 'king kong' is a better movie that peter jackson's. 'mr smith goes to washington' is another requisite. the uniquely titled 'i am a fugitive from a chain gang' is a surprisingly good and poignant movie still. and representative of the great verbal comedies, i'd add 'my man godfrey' and [sadly missing from the first 100] greta garbo's 'ninotchka'. for fun, what about tod browning's 'freaks'. it get points for originality.
1940s: 'yankee doodle dandy' came in at #100 last time; with it's over-zealous patriotism for an unfallible america, it could easilly be seen as nieve in the modern politcal climate. 'best years of our lives' is still strong and worthy about the difficulties of coming home after the second world war. 'casablanca' and 'citizen kane' of course, but what about welles's next movie, 'the magnificent ambersons'? bogart and bacall's first movie together, 'to have and have not', another great noir along with fred mcmurray's 'double indemnity'? 'miracle on 34th street' is as classic as 'the wizard of oz'. and how about a couple of lesser-know hitchcock greats, 'notorious' and 'rebecca'?
1950s: 'all about eve', 'sunset boulevard', and 'singin in the rain' are all guarantees for the top 20 ['singin' should be in the top 10 again]. martin scorsese thinks 'the searchers' is one of the absolute greatest movies ever [as does spielberg]--i don't see it. but i would like to add 'night of the hunter', 'touch of evil', and delightfully charming 'roman holiday'. and of course, 'bridge on the river qwai'.
1960s: 'lawrence of arabia' belongs in the top 10 again, and '2001' deserves to be higher than #22. i don't think much of 'my fair lady' or 'dr. zhivago', and 'the graduate' is much too high at it's former #7. 'psycho' again deserves the top 25, and 'cool hand luke' is worthy of a spot on the list. 'night of the living dead' and 'goldfinger' are worthy of consideration, too.
1970s: 'godfather' part I and II are among the greatest films in the world ever, as are 'jaws' and 'star wars'. 'apocalypse now' and 'the deer hunter' are transgenerational war movies, certainly worthy of the list again. 'rocky', for sure, but it'd be fun to see 'rocky horror' on there, especially considering 'cultural impact' [in it's own way]. terrance malick is arguable, and 'days of heaven' is one of the five most beautifully shot movies ever. mel brooks? 'young frankenstein'? maybe.
1980s: 'raging bull' and 'raiders of the lost ark' for sure. please, don't let 'born on the fourth of july' be on there; i'm not even sure if 'platoon' should be back again. instead, 'the breakfast club', 'back to the future', and 'field of dreams' are worth considering. action movies? 'die hard' is one of the best. and 'this is spinal tap' seems funnier 20 years later.
1990s: 'goodfellas' again, and 'pulp fiction' should be much higher than its previous #95. 'saving private ryan' deserves a spot if its votes aren't split to 'schindler's list'. 'jurassic park'? it's notable. 'the matrix' revolutionized special effects like nothing since 'star wars', and fight sequences have never been the same since. 'the lion king' is not only the apex of disney's second golden age, but one of the greatest movies ever. 'toy story' is noteworthy, 'T2' is possibly the greatest action movie ever, and 'titanic' should be included on basis of cultural impact, box office records, and academy awards. does all this leave room for 'shawshank redeption', 'good will hunting,' and 'fight club'? i don't know, but i hope 'sleepless in seattle' can slip in a spot next to the great classic romances.
2000s: 'american beauty' will most likely make it, though i won't vote for it. my votes go to, first and foremost, 'traffic'. 'erin brockovich' is also very good, but soderbergh won't get two movies from the same year. 'mouin rouge' has potential, creating the post-modern musical so cooly. certainly a 'lord of the rings' belongs on the list, and my vote goes to 'fellowship of the ring' [or else 'return of the king', but the first usually gets the credit]. 'shrek', 'spider-man 2'? congratualtions on making the 400 nominees. 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' and 'lost and translation' each bring a worthy argument to their consideration.


the afi list isn't the definitive list to cinephiles, though; many film snobs look at it with disdain, it peddling too much to the popular masses. if you really want to see the serious list, check out the british film institute's top 10 list, updated every 10 years. 'citizen kane' has topped the list every year since 1952, and i'm happy that many of my favorites are often on there [including '2001', and, at #2, 'the rules of the game']. and if you don't think 'citizen kane' is the greatest movie of all time [different from your 'personal favorite'], watch it with roger ebert's commentary--the movie's strength rests largely on all the ground that it broke for the future of cinema.

change of ideas

this is not the post that was supposed to be here. i had a nicely though-out essay about what i can't even remember. all day long i've been sifting through ideas, refining and rewriting, and now that i'm home with time to write, i haven't a clue what it was i'd composed. i found the pictures that i had gathered for the essay, but i have no idea what i was going to write. none.

however, today em posted a sublime posting that is far better than what i would have written anyway.

I finally finished reading Raising Cain. (I also finally got a photo of Oliver sleeping...) I bought the book almost a year ago. One of the ideas that kept resurfacing was "the big impossible" and it's horrific effect on adolescent boys. But "the big impossible" actually nags at all of us. It's the idea that we are failing because we haven't reached some herculean ideal that we feel (for whatever reason, some say it's a societal pressure) we are supposed to have reached. The funny thing is that we tend to feel like a failure for not reaching an ideal that nobody has reached. Doesn't that seem silly?
We really ought to be a little kinder to ourselves. There's more than one kind of smart, more than one kind of beautiful, and a million ways to be valuable to the people around us.
Do the good things that you like to do, and feel good about it. Don't feel bad about not having a meticulously clean house if you aren't the sort who likes to clean (there are people who like to clean, believe it or not). Don't feel bad about not being a fantastic cook if you don't like cooking. Don't feel bad about the things that don't matter much in the end. Feel good about the good that you do, and enjoy doing. Try to improve yourself in ways that you enjoy. As long as you are meeting the basic needs of yourself and the people who depend on you, there is no need to feel like a failure!
The idea of being a Rennaisance man or woman is great, and I'm all for well-roundedness. But nobody is good at everything, and so nobody needs to feel bad about not being good at everything. Yet I think deep inside we all do feel bad about not being good at everything.
It's time to stop being silly, don't you think?

twilight

coming home from institute tonight, mark commented on how this was his favorite time of day--the time from when the sun sets until nightfall. what cinematographers call 'magic hour'.
twilight.

in lieu of the air conditioner, we opted to just leave the door open. i went outside to get the mail. in the box was just one envelope, and my initial glance of a handwritten 'L' in the name of the return address made me think it was a paycheck i had been waiting for, and i was happy.
it turned out that this was not a paycheck, but a letter from a friend.
an actual physical letter. like what we used to send in the days prior to adding vowels in front of nouns to modernize them.
a letter.
i was more excited than when i thought i was holding a paycheck, yet i walked slower, and chose to sit on the grassy knoll separating the sidewalk from the parking lot as the light of magic hour painted the row of houses in colors that would have made cezanne proud.

there was nothing immensely profound, and the handwriting was a little difficult to read [about the time i was thinking that, the author apologized for writing whilst standing up on a subway; i was somewhat impressed after that], but it was nevertheless a lovely way to appreciate the summer evening.

i lay back onto the grass and drifted up into the darkening blue sky. whispy pink cirrus clouds moved imperceptibly thousands of feet above me, while my thoughts acted similarly. i've been told that pink color in a sunset is a sign of pollution. i was ok with that--it looked nice. my mind wasn't particularly doing much, but i began to look for shapes. after a while i realized they were gone, and the best i had come up with was the form of a bear skin rug that was actually the blue 'negative' space between the whispy pink clouds.

i reread the letter, just enjoying the niceness of getting a letter in the mail. i regretted, as i did the first time, the small hole on the side of the envelope that i had not torn off; i didn't think much of it when i pulled out the letter, but when the p.s. explained the origin of the 'enclosed' button, i felt sad. sad that a little meaningless button enclosed with whimsy was now lost on a postal room floor.

i continued to lay on the cool grass and watched as pair of swallows flew by. when i was a little boy, my dad explained to me that swallows chose a mate and stay with them. i think ducks do, too, which is one more reason why i like ducks so much. i watched the swallow fly around with his companion. i saw a third tag along behind them.

i bought another book

a year and a bit ago, i bought a jane austen book. a book that had all of her books in it, actually. and i was surprised at how much i enjoyed what i read--the first three pages of 'sense and sensibility'.

i like books. like my sister, i love to wander through barnes and noble, looking at all of the books and feeling 'cultured'. but lately that feeling soon fleets as i realize that a have a heartily stocked bookshelf at home of books i genuinely want to read. then i leave the classy bookseller and head home, where the dvd collection stops me before i make it to the books shelf in the back of the room. the marx brothers' 'duck soup' is still an extremely funny movie 74 years later.

since buying the very nicely bound collection of miss austen's works, i have purchased several other books of various sorts, including 'dune', 'the da vinci code' [which i actually read all the way through and thoroughly enjoyed], and 'heart of darkness', as well as having currently read a third of the thomas jefferson biography that my sister got me for Christmas.

a few days ago i was browsing amazon, and along with a used cd of 'the best of bach' [which has proved to be an extremely excellent purchase, especially for $3.49], i also bought david sedaris's 'wrap your family in corduroy and denim' for $1.29. hardcover and in like new condition. even with the $2.99 shipping cost, i love amazon.

i was first introduced to david sedaris four or five years ago when chris moved from the apartment next door into #104 with the rest of us. he loved literature, writing and reading, and, like me with movies, loved share his medium with others. [he was also one of the best room-roommates i've ever had, but that's for a different post] before i knew him very well, i would overhear him reading bits of a book to my other roommates as i was rushing out the door in the mornings or rushing in door in the evenings [life was pretty busy in college]. when i slowed down to listen, i found myself laughing as chris read. this rather funny book turned out to be 'me talk pretty one day' by david sedaris, an extremely clever freelance living in paris and musing about mundanities of life with mark twain-like wit.
while working with jared hess on a movie several years ago, i felt a frustration as he was telling a story. jared is, without question, the funniest person i have ever known personally. and when he starts telling a story, everyone on set stops working and gathers around, because they know that they will not be just chuckled, but genuinely laughing from the belly. he was talking about an incident at a hospital on his mission; nothing particularly out of the ordinary, but his point of observation made it extremely funny. it was much more mundane than extraordinary. and i realized that i've probably had just as many mundanely-zany instances in my own life, i just could recall, polish, and present them as well as he could.

david sedaris is the same way. many of the essays are about his childhood. he plays in the snow. he attends a sleepover. nothing notably different than what most of us do, yet his deadpan observations have me laughing out loud as i read.

he is also a regular contributor to national public radio, and when i heard him read his 'santaland diaries' [he got a job as an elf a macy's department store in new york; google it], i was surprised at how droll his readings were. no emotion, but sounding as if he were as bored as could be, similar to how jenna fischer explains her audtion for 'pam' on 'the office' [perhaps why i love both oh so much]. the passive expression worked amazing for the material.
hearing sedaris's work read this way was a surprise, because that is not how chris would read it. he would read with effort, trying to put the right emphasis on the right words, adding emotion to what the characters said. and until i head the author read his own work, i thought chris was reading it perfectly.

the day i got my book, i turned to the essay that i had bought it for and coerced mark into pausing 'the simpsons' during a commercial break [i love dvr]. while i tried my best to read as deadpan as i could, i sounded more like chris, just about to laugh at what i was reading, barely able to hold back the excitement of knowing that what i am about to say is undesputedly funny, occasionally losing the humor by laughing in the split seconds between when i read the words and when i say them.
his commentary on santa claus in the netherlands is worth the cover price of $24.95.
but if you can find it for $1.29, go for it.

flowers of sarajevo

tuesday evening i'm driving to the provo temple when i get a text message. i love getting text messages. i don't care much for voice mails for whatever reason.
it's from a number i don't recognize: 'you might want to invest in a hose to water your flowers'

while i do my best to upkeep my little house, i know there are areas i miss--the dishes are piling a little high or the bathroom is overdue for a cleaning--but i couldn't think of any flowers we even had, much less ones that would be in an unsightly need of watering.

'i have flowers?'

'i see flowers, don't you?'

'not that i can think of. but then again, i'm not home right now'

'well well you need to check it out then'

i wondering if there would be a vase of flowers waiting for me on the front steps or something.

'perhaps, but i'm cautious about taking botanical advice from strange numbers.'

'but i have a green thumb'

i had reached the temple and had to end the conversation. i texted to mark about this situation, and he had receieved the same initial text and had also been carrying on a conversation with the mystery flower bearer.
so the simultaneous hope of a secret admirer and the dread of an over-zealous female admirer was partially dispersed, knowing that my roommate was an equal recipient/target.

coming out of the temple, i found a small note on my windshield, printed on a patterned stationary, eloquently stating that for my serving at the temple tonight, the river view ward young women had cleaned my windshied.

when i got home, mark suggested i go look out back.
now, our back yard is a sadly neglected part of our house--mark's combination grill and smoker usually sits in the middle of the concrete area, while weeds of all sizes grow in the sandy dirt by the house and also by the fence. it looks like the remnants of a crumbled civilization. i used to say it looked like sarajevo, but i really don't know what the bosnian capitol looks like; it's probably a nice and growing city [a quite google image searchs confirms that the latter is true].
i've sincerely been meaning to get out and at least weed our backyward lately.

but that was before.
the grill and related implements had been neatly arranged to one side. the dirty, dusty concrete had been swept clean. the patches of dirt were now edged with a simple brick wall [i don't remember if the wall was there before; if it was, it certainly wasn't as neatly alligned]. and the sections of dirt were now flower beds, with several little flowers planted with care. there was also a little tomato plant, as well as two more medium sized pot of flowers on the steps.

i didn't know what to think. it was beautiful. it was what i'd wanted to do with the yard since last summer.

i just wondered who did it and why?
mark and i discussed the usual suspects and potential motives. it seemed most logical that someone from our fhe group would do it, as we were out having a water balloon fight there just last week, so people could see our demilitarized yard. and, as i think about it, i remembed talking about how i wanted to prune and care for the poor little spot of land.
what concerned me was that it was some girl hoping to win one of our hearts. and while it is a truly impressive gesture, i'm not really interested in anyone i know, despite having a great respect and admiration for many of the potential gardners.
in discussing the mystery with my sister and her husband last night, the elements of the situation--mark and i both getting the same texts, there being no other clues as to how to find the person--it seems more likely that it was just someone doing a really rad act of kindness.

it's really cool. i love it.
now i have to go to wal-mart to buy a hose.

pink roses

'ruby tuesday is available for purchase on itunes.
i purchased it.
i think i've listened to it four times already.
and i smile.
i smile because the song makes me smile.

and that's pretty cool.

great expectations

remember back in the day, when 'sheep go to heaven' was like 'homestarrunner' was back in the day? when there were updates on a regular basis. lately, 'sheep go to heaven' has been like 'homestarrunner' has been lately, new material coming forth at irregular intervals.
i miss those good old days.

a handful of weeks ago, my roommate mark commented about 'the office'. he observed that michael [steve carell] is so often disappointed, frustrated, or upset because his expectations are too high. i think i was making a sandwich at the time and, while i momentarily gave more thought to the insight than to my peanut butter, i soon returned to my lunch as we began another episode.

this idea of over-developed expectations has stayed with me and has proved to quite profound.
consider how many moments in our own lives we become discouraged, angry, or depressed because things didn't turn out how we wanted them to. we wanted our family to go to the park and to laugh and play in the daisies beneath the sun; we wanted to come to college and have memorable roommates and stories of zany adventures; we wanted to be the most amazing employee our company has ever experienced.

what encouraging is that i have had fun memories with my family; i have had some fun experiences with many roommates who have also become very close friends. but it didn't happen the way i imagined it would, and it certainly didn't happen immediately.

the advertising world is based largely on the idea of extraordinary expectations. when i go out with my visa card, i expect i can buy things. but the new credit card commercials now tell me that if i go out shopping, i won't just get the sweet pair of pumas, i will get all of my worries and sadnesses whisked away; that this credit card will give me precisely what i'm missing in my persuit of happyness.
yes, it is fun to buy new things. my 'best of david bowie' cd turned out to be very good choice in the midst of a weekend full of changes. i'm glad i bought it [even after i found out there was an even better 2-disc set]. but what has felt even better is what the commercials don't tell you to expect at all: paying off my credit card debt. that felt good.

socially, it is very easy follow over-inflated expectations. we look at others and see them laughing with people and presume any number of things; that they must all be very close and dear friends, that they have more fun, that they call each other and go upscale shopping or hangliding everyday, or whatever it may be. then, we who have several good friends, suppose that we do not have good friends, or that we do not have enough or do enough, pushing our perspective of what is desired of us higher and further from us.

i've been reading a biography of thomas jefferson, and even that alone has been enlightening. when i visited the jefferson memorial last fall, i was struck with historical stars of awe at the work he did. thinking about what jefferson and the other great founding fathers achieved, i soon found myself thinking of them as being perfect, saying all the right things at all the right times. reading this book has shown that jefferson preferred to be quiet and ponderous, that he faults and shortcomings, but worked to elminate them and accomplished many great things in spite of them.
on a more specific point, the 'gentlemanly' class of the era [those who had acchieved a level of financial fortitude such that they did not have to work] were excessively concerned with appearing carefreely wealthy, purchasing luxury to show that they could, as they slid further under debt.

is this leading to a philosophy of 'can't win, don't try'? heck no. i very much agree with the idea to 'commit yourself to excellence', even as i struggle to live it. but there is a significant difference between expecting something to be good, and wanting it to be the most amazing thing you and/or your friends/complete strangers have ever experienced. hoping for your date to be endlessly romantic will most likely leave you lying on the couch at home afterward, wondering what went wrong. looking forward to a fun evening will probably bring you home with a good attitude, and maybe even a spring in your step.

true it is also, that we will most often not exceed our goals, so that the high we set our goals, the more we will accomplish, even if we do not meet our goals, but that's not what this is about.

...half the time, i imagine my these blog postings to someday be read alongside thoreau. or at least published and sold at barnes & noble...

neverland

i had the opportunity to go home for a week, celebrating my sister's wedding reception, brother's college graduation, and spending mother's day at home. i've written before about the wonderment of going home, of how much more i appreciate the land that seemed so mundane when i grew up there, and that hasn't faded. being in my parent's home is equally fun. living in my own little townhouse, i appreciate all that my mom has accomplished in ways of keeping her home organized and beautiful.
returning home feels like a treasure hunt. i love looking through the boxes of toys and junk are now piled in the room that used to be my brother's and used to be mine [and used to be my sister's, if you want to go back that far]; i leafed through my old role-playing books, read a comic book, and, of course, went through 'the legend of zelda' yet again [i was surprised at how much even my sister remembered about the game].
but the problem with going home is that it can so easily become little more than frosting [especially with all the cakes we had for the festivities]. the freelance workstyle makes it very easy to leave it all in utah, so that when i go home, i have no real responsibilities. and while that can sound good and is nice for a while, responsibility is like vegetables; we can get by with skipping for a short while, but that's what actually makes us healthy and wise. getting up at 10 [or, shamefully later], watching the cats over a bowl of cereal, playing nintendo with my brother, and not doing much more because there isn't much inherently required of me; you're not really going anywhere. blah.

however, i did play a couple of good games of frisbee golf [little did i know, moorhead has a really good course, one that is surprisingly popular], spent a nervous day taking a mysteriously sick cat to the vet, went running, got some work done on my scrapbook, and, of course, played mah-jong.

the paradigm has shifted

on friday, may 4th, 2007, my sister got married to a very nice boy.

the next day, one of my best friends got married to his best friend [and who would have thought it would snow that day?].

with all this happening around me, i did the best i could and bought a david bowie cd.