Tuesday, October 23, 2012

the small iron wall

walking into church a few days ago, i thought about how, earlier this year, one of my friends noted that every time we did something it felt like a "get to know you" all over again. i inwardly admitted that she was right, but i figured it was her fault. i gave it a second thought when i kind of realized that a lot of my friends here seem to get stuck at about that point: nice, causal acquaintances, but nothing much more familiar than that. so, either everyone in texas is crazy/lame, or else it's me. both are totally plausible, but i decided to give "everyone else" the benefit of the doubt and take a look at myself.

it does seem that i keep talking with friends at church as if i just met them last week, rather than as people i've known for a year or two. maybe it's because i'm so busy with school that there's very little time to have people over and hang out and let those friendships wax strong. or maybe i have some residual subconscious defensive "walls" from trying to cope with suddenly leaving ten years of life in utah that i put up when i moved here two years ago and i'm pushing people away without even realizing it.
or maybe i've just become a prickly elitist snob?

this evening i had dinner with our relief society president. as we talked about life and how to live it, she made a few observations about me that were pretty much spot on with how my best friends in utah would probably describe me. and so i'm pretty sure i've just over-thought this whole thing and, while there's room for improvement, i'm probably doing alright.

1 comment:

kwistin said...

interesting observation.

lately, i've noticed that with some of my friendships, i feel like they know me better than i know them. i've reflected on whether i'm just totally self-centered, or whether i don't listen, or whether i just don't take an interest in people.

i realize that while i have lots of room for improvement, i take a huge interest in people, i try my hardest to listen and i try not to be self-centered.

so why is it so hard to get to know some people? i have yet to find a conclusion. but i have noted that i open up a lot, faster than a lot of people do. i'm more willing to share personal things about myself, probably too quickly at times.

and so i started being more consciously guarded.

however, as we volunteer vulnerability, i feel like it invites others to do so as well. so it's a hard balance to strike.

that's where i've gotten in my thought process of the small iron wall so far.

thanks for your insights.