Monday, February 13, 2012


i got stood up last night.
at church she said she had a lot of visits to do and things to take care of and that she'd text me when she was done (and i know it wasn't just something to get rid of me.)
i never heard from her.

i have no free time any more myself. most days i'm at school by 9 or 10 and if i'm home before midnight, it's only to grab some food before heading back. gone are the weeknights of watching movie followed by rock band, of sitting around on a saturday morning, trying to decide what we'll do that day. last weekend was a rare anomaly where i was able to sit on my couch and pick out a movie to watch with my roommates.
and i don't like it.

there are some people who live to work, for whom their job is the purpose of their life and they thrive on that. if that's what brings them happiness, then great, keep working. but i work to live. i am spending all of my time at school in the hopes that, one day, i will be able to have a job that allows me to provide enough that i don't have to be gone on weekends, that i can come home in the evenings. because, if i'm being super busy now just so that i can be super busy later, then what's the point?

for behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. and inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.
doctrine and covenants 58:26-28

"i like guys with a lot on their plate," a friend once told me. i agree with her. there's something very attractive about a girl who's out doing things, making something with her life. "intensely attractive," as john bytheway put it. but there's a point where it becomes too much, where i wonder if a busy girl would even have any room in her life for me, or if i would just be another checkbox on her to do list, allotted time in between "double check thursday's presentation notes" and "buy shoes for saturday"; where things are repeatedly being rescheduled because she's trying to fit in as many activities as possible, where it's impossible to sit back and just enjoy time together because the clock is always ticking up to the next scheduled appointment. i sometimes wonder if i've lost a dear friend to the life of being "busy," and i was a little disappointed that i didn't even hear from the girl last night. i have no doubt that she was doing good and worthwhile things with her time, but i was a little sad that they became more worthwhile than me.

last semester i was busy. it almost became a cancer, actually. i was so busy being busy that days would go by without me even getting much done. i was stressed and continually running and not really enjoying it and had very little time to notice the people around me. and i'm trying to change that. i'm working to make sure that if i'm busy doing something, it's going to lead to something better. and that, i've learned, means more time for me to do what i want to do. in the short term, i'd like to have time to work on my own projects--those movies brandon and i are making or that music video i was offered, or even be able to come home at night and enjoy life for the evening. in the long run, i hope it means time at the end of the week or even at the end of the day to be with my future wife, to sit down together and watch our favorite show or play some rock band. because, for me, that's what it's really all about, and i don't want to lose that focus.

future wife, you better like rock band.


Mark A. said...

Dear Jeff's Future Wife,

I've got dibs on the drums.


Em said...

This is super interesting to me. You've just described the spectrum I've crossed in the time you've known me. You betcha I was too busy for common courtesy at one time. (For a long time actually). It took some severe divine intervention to soften my edges that way. You can thank subversive post-feminism for all that ridiculous behavior that we don't even realize we are exhibiting. Someone needs to rescue us from ourselves sometimes.