Friday, January 07, 2011

up in the air

"you ok?"
today was day 25 of 31 of my Christmas vacation.
i am homeless.

don't get me wrong.  i have a place to sleep.  but i've been living out of my suitcase for almost a month.  for most of that time, i've been on sleeping on couches, living in someone else's living room, and relying on others for my transportation.  these past three weeks are largely a hazy blur in my memory.

i've spent significant time at at least four different places and am very grateful for all of those who have let me stay with them.  no one has ever shown any annoyance or irritation that i am temporarily living with them (even when i am at less than my usual self).  but it's rough on me.  i have no place to call my own.  i had a room that i could live in for the week that i was in moorhead, but that was about it.  mostly, i'm nomadic, feeling like the unemployed friend who just needs a place to crash while he's in between jobs.  all i need now is a tv to watch "the price is right"....

my things--my stuff--are all in texas.  but one semester in texas has not yet made it feel like "home" in the sense of comfort and belonging.  utah is where my friends are, but they have lives here, things to do on a daily basis.  i don't live here anymore, and there's nothing here for me now but my friends.  minnesota is still minnesota, and that's cool, i guess.  but i'm not really sure where i want to be.  texas, i guess, but being back there isn't entirely a rejuvenating experience, either.  it's where my life is now, but it's not my favorite place that my life has been.

over an number three (animal style) tonight, i was discussing how change is continuous and life barrels on like a runaway train; you can't stop it or pause it, you can only go with it.  much of 2010 was absolutely awesome.  in many ways, everything was in its right place.  but either you will change or everything around you will change.  either way, it happens.  and it has happened.

i looked into changing my ticket to go "home" a few days early.  it's prohibitively costly.  i really don't know what i was thinking when i originally planned this trip for this long.  and that was even before my life was turned inside out.  twice.
but i've got a few things to look forward to next week and i have to admit that this couch bed i'm currently on is rather comfortable.  still, part of me is ready to get back to texas.  it isn't much for me, but in some ways, it's all i've got right now.

home is wherever i'm with you.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5


Em said...

I's wager the nomadic thing wouldn't have bothered you 10 years ago.
It's a sign of age and maturity to need a real home, as ironic as that sounds.

The Former 786 said...

It's not exactly the same, but allow me to empathize. Moving into this new home has made me feel homeless, oddly enough. We've been here a month and I'm just getting used to driving here at night and not going down to Bountiful.

I feel cut off at times - which is odd, but I guess it's because I had a rhythm going at our old place and that rhythm was thrown off by the move.

However, it is getting better. I'm starting to know the nooks and crannies of the place and I've figured out where the peanut butter is being kept.

Sometimes time is all it takes to find a home where you live.

The Former 786 said...

Also, please tell me that there was never a "gimp" in the places you were staying. :)

--jeff * said...

the gimp part is always edited out. : )