blue skies by noah and the whale

dear blog::

i've noticed something about relationships. you can say that even though i don't write here anymore, things are still the same. but that's not true. our bodies need constant nourishment. our souls need constant nourishment. and so do our relationships. if i stop writing with you, things are different, even if i don't want them to be.

i've spent the last half hour reading through old posts and rereading comments whilst discovering new ones (thanks, lj.) i love this blog. i really do. and i miss writing in it. but i'm busy with school and work and life and don't have the same unquenchable need to write that i used to have. and that was part of why i loved this blog so much; i wrote here because i had to.

honestly, it even feels a little different writing now, just because, well, we haven't written in a while. and i don't like that. i don't even think i realized things had gotten like this.

i'll try to talk more. you're still my blog.

-->jeff *

my 2012

for last four years or so, i've filled out this list of questions looking back at the previous year. i'm about a month later than i'd like, but i'm still doing it.

What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before? 
shot a commercial in washington, d.c., went on a date to watch a building implode, participated in a couple of different art shows, improved my ballroom dancing, learned judo and scuba, went to the houston space museum with my parents, toured the blue bell ice cream factory (twice) and also the cotton gin museum (neve did get around to blogging about those; shame), called 911 (twice-ish), went to boston in the fall, saw nick warren in concert (he was cool, concert was lame), got to practice riding horses, and made a dog vomit up an avocado pit.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions? 
not really.

What are some of your resolutions for 2013?
i have three areas that i'm trying to focus on:

• school/thesis/career
• financial planning and saving, even small steps while i'm still living on student worker pay
• physical activity and health, which my kickboxing class is helping immensely

Did anyone close to you get married? 
brooke, rocio, and mark.
(not to each other)

Did anyone close to you give birth? 
my sister how has a little daughter and i have a niece.

Did anyone close to you die? 
i think the closest was when mca of the beastie boys past away.

What countries did you visit? 
i ventured outside of texas a few times.

What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? 
a "do anything or nothing with" friend within a reasonable distance.
preferably a girl.
but i'd be ok with another guy friend.
or a monkey.

What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
december 9, because it was a rough day and i was reminded that i have great friends across the country who know and love me despite my crazinesses.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
mark's bachelor party.

What was your biggest failure? 
my new year's eve out on the town in minneapolis.

Did you suffer illness or injury? 
i got mono. that was one for the books.

What was the best thing you bought? 
my ipad.
i make sure that i use it for as much as possible so that i'm getting my money's worth.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
i've got one friend (that none of you know) that's earning this.

Where did most of your money go? 
let's be honest: tuition and rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
singing rock band with the gang again. : )

What song will always remind you of 2012? 
i hate to admit it, but i know all the words to taylor swift's "we are never ever getting back together."
my total guilty pleasure.

Compared to this time last year, are you: much happier, richer, nicer? 
not richer, probably happier and at least nicer, i hope.

What do you wish you'd done more of? 
thesis work.

What do you wish you'd done less of? 
trying to think of something more creative yet still valid than "waste time"...

How did you spend Christmas? 
joyfully, with my whole extended family in minnesota.
and scanning a lot of pictures.

Did you fall in love in 2012?
no, but i really tried.

What was your favorite TV program? 
breaking bad.
best show ever.
(and speaking of my taylor swift comment a few lines ago... thanks, 786)

What was the best book you read this year? 
um, i ended up reading the steve jobs biography again, since it was on my ipad and so dang fascinating.

What did you want and get? 
a new red ipod nano. i love it and use it every day.

What were your favorite films of this year? 
i haven't seen very much at all, unfortunately, but i really loved moonrise kingdom, and am still ok calling that my favorite of the year.

and, of course, paperman.
if that doesn't win best short at the oscars, there are problems. big problems.

What were your least favorite films of this year? 
again, i can't think of much that i saw, but i was expecting a lot more from brave.

What were your favorite albums of this year? 
i remember a few years ago realizing that i was watching a lot of movies but that my exposure to music, especially new music, had kind of stagnated.
now, being at a computer for much of the day, i have plenty of time to explore music (spotify, i love you) yet don't have the time to watch movies very much.

of monsters and men's "my head is an animal" is certainly influenced by the hipster bands that i love right now (arcade fire, the decembrists, et al) and is a great album.
but i think i'm going to vote for regina spektor's "what we saw from the cheap seats" just because i want to.
ne me quitte pas

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
took the chance and had a birthday party with friends here in texas.
it was a great success and we had some good rounds of rock band into the night.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
to find my other half, someone who "fits."
i feel like i talk about it a lot, and i probably do.
i'm trying to live my life and enjoy all that i have, because i do have a lot and i do enjoy it. but there's still a part of me that feels incomplete, and i'm still searching for that.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? 
getting better. i've realized i like girls who look nice and am trying to do likewise.

What kept you sane? 
getting to give creative input on this was a lot of fun.
but the punching bag at the rec center helped a lot, too.

Who did you miss? 
all those good friends who are 1,000+ miles away.
especially sariah, jess, and katy.
i miss jaime, too.

Who was the best new person (people) you met? 
if you told me a year ago that kylee would be one of my closest friends in college station, i wouldn't've believed you.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. 
as the rolling stones said,
"you can't always get what you want
you can't always get what you want"

What are you most excited for in 2013? 
for the second half of the chorus:
"but if you try sometimes
you just might find you get what you need"

What are you least excited for in 2013? 
i'll theoretically be graduating this year, and while i am dearly ready to be done with school, there's a lot to be done before then.

someday we'll find it

the lovers
the dreamers
and me

fan art by lookgreatbegood from Tumblr
via facebook

it gets better

there wasn't even digital color
correction back then...

 on Christmas morning, my mom unwrapped a small box labeled as a photo negative scanner.
"oh, well, we all know how much i love technology," she said wryly.
after all these years, we have learned that.
"no, that's not your present," i quickly said.
"oh! is there something different inside the box?"
being that my mom has employed many varied and creative methods of wrapping and disguising presents over the years, this was a very reasonable question.
"um, no," i began. "the scanner isn't exactly your present. your present is that i'm going to go through all of our old family photos and scan them so that we can have them digitally."
thankfully, she was actually quite happy about this being her present.

and so, each night after the nephews were tucked in, i sat at the kitchen table and scanned hundreds and hundreds of old strips of film while my brother-in-law and i went through the lord of the rings trilogy. by the time i had to come back to texas, i had done the bulk of 1978-1995 and seen a lot of pictures i hadn't seen in years, if ever.

no, a lot of the photos aren't that good, and when you're shooting on film, you can't check to make sure it was a good shot of someone, nor can you take a lot and just keep your favorite. most years would have a dozen pictures from Christmas, compared to this year where i think i took 87 on Christmas morning and then edited down to the best ones on my mac.

but looking back on me and my family in the 80s and 90s was interesting. as i've gotten burned out and tired of and even a little annoyed at my nephews after only a few hours, i've developed new respect for my sister and all mothers and parents who do that all the time. and so i looked at those family moments in a new perspective, since i am now probably closer to my parents' age in those pictures than i am to myself at that time.

it was hard sometimes. kids are annoying. obnoxious. ungrateful. i can say that because i know i was. me and my brother and sister fought with each other. me taking advantage of my little brother or bugged by my sister. things got broken or the dog ran off because no one was keeping an eye on her and huskies are born to explore. and life is just hard and unglamorous most of the time. in a very real sense, looking over these pictures left me very grateful that my parents didn't give up in any number of ways that they could have.


my family is now spread out in four part all over the united states, all with individual lives. but everyone was able to come home for Christmas this year, something i took for granted only a few years ago. there were ten different stockings hung by the fireplace and the house was a home, warm and full. there are no estranged siblings and there were no fights. i daresay that everyone would agree that this was one of the best Christmases we've had (in part because i didn't screw it up.)

and i wish i could step back into one of those kodak negatives and show that family a few of the pictures from last month. not only would they be amazed with digital photography, but i'd want them to know to not give up, because they will make it. the trials will pass, the stresses lighten, and the questions will be answered. it'll work out. really well, actually.

i can't do that. but i can remind myself of that. that as i'm fighting through grad school, wanting to do well in a competitive industry, and wondering if we'll ever have to make room for a new stocking next to mine on the fireplace, yes, things don't stay the same forever.
and if you stick with it, it does get better.

post script: in case anyone out there has been thinking that they should get around to scanning their old pictures, here's the one i used. it's $30 and i've done over 3,000 pictures without any problem.

33

there's a song called "thirty-three"
and another called "1979." that's
kind of my album right now, i guess

a few months ago i wrote about how i still act like i'm 25 and, for all intents and purposes, i may as well be.
the truth of it is that i am thirty-three years old. and my self-described "by the book" bishop felt it was time that i "transition" into a family ward. i smiled a little when he cited how the age gap gets bigger and it can make some of the younger girls feel a little uncomfortable, since cassidy is arguably my best friend at church and i think she'll be 20 this year. so i managed to talk myself in to amnesty until the end of the year. today, after twelve years, seven wards, and a whole lot of sunday school lessons, i went to a family ward.

i knew half a dozen couples from the ysa ward and after sacrament meeting i leaned forward and said hi to a couple.
"jeff! what are you doing here?"
"i'm in the ward now."
"DID YOU GET MARRIED??"
"not quite."
"you're engaged??"
"kicked out."

if getting married is referred to as "graduating" from a singles ward, i think of myself as having my g.e.d.

still, it's a friendly ward. in addition to the people i knew already, i had three or four people, generally in the borderline-overly-friendly-elderly-person group, introduce themselves to me before the service even started. that was nice and i think it'll be fine here. i did smile a little when one friend from church texted that she missed me and that i should still come to institute (which was my plan, anyway.) the sunday school president texted me also, saying that he missed me.

but, like i said, i'm 33 now. one of my friends that i grew up with in fargo was just called into the bishopric there and another is a high counsellor in the stake. time goes on, we grow up.

and while i'll always be me, i'm trying to grow up in some ways. elder christofferson's talk from last october's priesthood session was my favorite of the conference, a whole talk around the idea of "arise from the dust my sons, and be men." this line stuck with me:

In an observation that is too often accurate, one university professor remarked, “The men come into class with their backward baseball caps and [their lame] the ‘word processor ate my homework’ excuses. Meanwhile, the women are checking their day planners and asking for recommendations for law school.”

and it just prodded me to straighten up a bit and take my last (hopefully) year of school a little more seriously. i spent yesterday looking at my finances and am working to keep better track of where my money goes. i'm putting more thought into what i eat and going running every couple of nights (and loving my new ipod.)

there's a part of me that will always be 25 (or 17) at heart.
i like that about me.
but i'm growing up as well. and i like that part, too.

nauvoo

i originally intended to post this on Christmas eve.
i'm just now getting to it.

december 24, 2012 3:34 a.m. (so technically it's Christmas day)

everyone is home.

i used to find it a little odd when friends would talk about how their whole family would be coming home for Christmas that year. that's what you do at Christmas. why wouldn't your whole family come home?

but then life went on. my sister got married but brady came home and the family was a little bigger, not smaller (which was nice, since i remember the three of us getting home the year before and it seeming a little... stale?) then there was a little nephew to join the year after. but growing families mean stretching a young family budget and becky and brady weren't able to come home one year.

last year tim and lyndsie came home, but becky and her family celebrated out in seattle. me and tim and lynds had a good time and made the most of it, but still wasn't the same. it's how life goes. and soon it was a year and a half since i had seen my sister and her family. i used to see them every week.

but tonight becky and brady and caleb and isaac and annie flew into salt lake. i hadn't seen caleb for about a third of his life, yet my time with him for the first two years of his life imprinted me well, because he was thrilled to see uncle jeff again. and his younger brother, as with everything else, did the same.

a few hours later my dad and i were back at the small fargo airport, hugging my brother and his wife. and every room in the house was again full.

once the little kids were in bed, the big kids were up for a several more hours, talking and laughing and wrapping presents. i revealed that mom and i had bought four nerf(-like) dart guns for us to unwrap and  play with tomorrow morning and, in our own "gift the magi" way, becky said that she'd bought little dart guns for her boys. so that should be a good time.

now, everyone is asleep. i've wrapped my dad's present to my mom and helped my mom set out my her present to my dad. we've helped santa fill ten stocking hung by the fireplace and becky has promised that she'll hold the boys from waking me until 8:00 if she can.


this fall i took an institute class on the writings of isaiah. we spent a lot of time on chapters 52-53, probably the most well-known sections of the book. isaiah 52:7 begins with

how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace;

my teacher told us that the hebrew word for "beautiful" in that verse is the word nauvoo. it means not only "beautiful" but "suitable." the root connotes "properly to be at home, to be pleasant or suitable," and carries the idea of being at home, being satisfied.

tonight, with my whole family together for Christmas, that is how i feel.
at home.
satisfied.
nauvoo.

after hours

maxx is my mom's cat. he's long-haired and orange, making him look like hermione's cat, "crookshanks." and while he's not my favorite cat we've ever had (that would be moke,) he is certainly the friendliest and most social. at night, he seems to enjoy exploring the house when it's quiet and everyone else has gone to bed.
so do i.

i love this house.
i like sitting by the hutch in the dining room, where just a enough light spills from it to make the room visible, but everything i still in shadows. i like looking at the kitchen and rewinding back through time in my memory, remembering how it's looked and changed over the years and the adventures that have happened therein. while i was on my mission in japan, my mom remodeled the whole kitchen and dining room to the point that, when i was sent pictures from my sister's high school graduation party, i didn't know it was our house until i recognized the dishwasher.

i love looking out the sliding door window at the soccer fields behind our house, and how the snow-covered ground sparkles like gold under the orange sodium-vapor lights of the parking lot. i feel bad for my future wife, missing these quiet moments with me.

i like that i'm no longer scared of the utility room. growing up, just being in there seemed a little creepy; if monsters were going to live in our house (or, as i became a teenager, "aliens"), this is where they would be. i'm now confident in my physical skills enough that i no longer fear the supernatural in that room and like looking around. so much of my life history is still contained on those shelves, it's almost like being in the ministry of magic's department of mysteries.

just off from that room is "the corner", a spot under the stairs where we were sent to sit if we misbehaved. i hated sitting under there.

it's late now and i need to get to bed, but i do enjoy these quiet times with just me and my house.

rumours

yeah

lots of little notes for posts jotted down, but none that i really feel the need to write right now. and i usually write when i want to.
or, more correctly, have to.
i miss that passion.
but you can't really force it, sadly.

it comes and goes in waves, as they say.

diving into the wave

i'd been thinking about my talk all week and had mulled around some ideas but still didn't have anything written down by yesterday evening. and instead of writing a talk, i went to the rec center instead.

and so when i sat down two hours before church this morning, i still wasn't able to focus much and was not really in the mood to write a talk. but i kind of had to. i couldn't even polish it during sacrament meeting like i sometimes do with my lesson because, well, that was when i would be speaking.

having taught sunday school for more or less five years straight and being up in front of people every other week (or every week last summer), i'm rarely asked to give talks. i think i've given three in that time. one i would like to forget, one was my "farewell" when i moved from utah, and i can't remember a third, i'm just guessing there's another one in there. so i really don't know how to prepare a talk. and so i showed up with several pages of notes, not sure if i would only get through a fraction of them or if i would breeze through it all in four of my ten suggested minutes.

sitting on the stand in my Christmas green bow tie, the relief society president texted me a good luck and i confessed to her that i was feeling very nervous and was having difficulty focusing on anything.

i was given the suggested to speak on "Christ in our lives," which was broad enough to allow me to speak on just about anything i wanted. and that sort of vague liberty can be a little paralyzing, not knowing which direction to go in. so, i did the best i could think of: i gave the talk that i wanted to hear.

i had numerous people come up to make and thank me for my talk afterward and throughout the day, which was encouraging.
the thing is, i mostly just quoted the charlie brown Christmas special and read a lot of psalms.
as jaime noted right before i left utah, "it's all about the psalms."

little lion man

i guess everyone needs a nemesis, and i've finally found mine. this guy:

that little pony is a total punk. and every time we go riding, i have to spent 15-20 minutes locked in mind games with him before i can get the rope around his neck and lead him to the stables so that we can take the horses in the pasture. (the rope isn't visible because i'm holding him very close to make sure he doesn't get out.)

this morning i realized that i was out late last night with a group of friends at northgate (the place--and the only place--to spend a friday night at a&m) and was out riding horses this morning. it's official: i live in texas now.

and it's not that bad.

roses

God gave us memory that we might have roses in december.

j.m. barrie

boston in the fall

so it's been three weeks since i've posted here.
yeah.

anyway, i went to new hampshire last week for thanksgiving with some pretty great friends.
that was cool.

she didn't want to be with daddy or even mommy, but "father goose."

including a large stash of stephen's hot chocolate.

apparently they don't sell frosted animal crackers
in utah anymore, so this was a big deal.

i'd explain that this is kirk with a turkey on his arm,
but i think that's kind of redundant.

joe and his pregnant wife.
she turned out to be cool and fit in with our group.
and she slapped me.

so this is maine.

goose rocks.

boston. : )

this guy was absolutely amazing and a great
showman. we estimated that he brought in $100-200
on this show and he deserved every dollar.

me and sam adams: identical twins.

at the holocaust memorial. couldn't resist snapping the picture.

even the back alleys in boston are awesome.

my favorite picture of the trip.

we made it to harvard.
wish i'd taken more pictures there. or even just looked around longer.

girls who wear shirts of skeletons in skirts are ok by me

i still hope that we'll make movies one day.

wish you could've been there.

she gets it

the only song i know of hers is "we are never ever getting back together," which i think is completely manufactured to be a "hit" but has still ensnared me in its catchiness to the point that i now know all words. whether it's in spite of that or because of it, there's something about this that i really love, though i can't fully explain it:

to be a rock and not to roll

i'm really enjoying my dance class. we're onto our last dance of the semester, swing. i feel like i've learned "swing" at least three official times and i still don't know which is which. and the jitterbug that we learned in country dance last fall doesn't seem that different, either. the downside is that, if a girl asks me if i know how to "east-coast swing" i likely won't know which one that is. the upside is that a lot of the moves are pretty similar, so once i get the appropriate rhythm down, i'm good to go.

one of the biggest things i've learned about dancing the importance of your dance frame. as a guy, it's my job to lead. i need to choose the steps and moves to do but then also communicate that to the lucky girl as well. that requires a little bit of tension between the two of us. my hand on her back can give some indication, but a lot of it comes from where we hold hands.

if she's so stiff and unwilling to move, obviously that's a problem. it's just as much of a problem if the opposite is true; if there's no resistance in her arm and she passively lets me move our hands wherever, the whole thing is mushy and there's no way to communicate. no tension, no play, no fun.

but when there's a little bit of tension in her arm and also her posture, so that my pushing or pulling to the left or the right shows where we're doing, she doesn't just follow but keeps up with me. if you can find a partner like that, dancing is a dang lot of fun.

and i think i found a couple of girls who will be good partners for the swing test.

pangs of frustration

i suffer pangs of frustration, seeing there a wondrous array of books which i have spent many years preparing to read and gleefully collecting in dusty bookshelves... but now, just as i am able to handle the stuff, i must forego the temptation and delight because there is other work at hand. 

hugh nibley

psalm 22

i think that one of the most poignant moments in the final hours of the life of the Savior was His exclamation on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (matt 27:46) i've heard it said that that was the moment when His Father withdrew the comforting companionship of His Spirit, so that Jesus would actually know what it felt like to be totally alone, the equivalent of having sinned to the point of losing the spirit of God completely.

a few months ago i picked up an old issue of the ensign that was lying on a table next to me because an article featured on the cover sounded interesting. and it was. then i flipped around and read a brief thought that was on the final page of the january 2011 issue.

the article noted that those words that Jesus spoke--"My God, my God, why hast thou forsake me"--are scripture; the opening verse of psalm 22, to be precise. Jesus often quoted scripture throughout His life and, if He's anything like me and my friends (and i like to think so), His reference of the first verse alluded to the following verses as well:

1. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
 2. O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
 3. But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
 4. Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
 5. They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded.

psalms 22:1-5

the verses cry out for God, admitting that they feel they have been forgotten or ignored. but then they remember and acknowledge that God is God, and that includes His character that He will always be with us and watch over us and help us. the next few verses reaffirm this explicitly, citing that those before them trusted in God and things worked out. and so the same must be true now.

and that's good stuff to remember. but what really makes this interesting is that Jesus, in a time of extreme difficulty and struggle, was turning to the scriptures as a source of strength. in essence, He was re-reading some of His favorite verses to remind Himself of what He already knew.

i do that, too, sometimes.

the grey area

so i know that fewer and fewer of you are actually around the byu area anymore these days. 

life does that to sometimes, i guess.

but if you are, you should really go to my friend kristin's art show this weekend.

like, really.

if you like they way i write/think/am, you'll probably like this show:

it's thoughtful, ponderous, clever, and really beautiful.

i won't be able to be there,

but i've been able to see the projects grow and develop.

this is good stuff.

the show opens this saturday evening, with the reception at 7:45 in the hfac main gallery

and will be on display until nov. 12

busy weekend

we went to an art exhibit at the memorial student center, the ward halloween dance and supercult movie night at the viz lab. we had great success building a willy wonka costume at the thrift store, played mah-jong, watched a handful of good movies, went star-gazing, and baked chocolate chip cookies. we ate at the hullabaloo diner, kolache rolf's and layne's chicken (of course.) we stocked the drink fridge in the lab, did a photo shoot in the studio, rode rides at the carnival and toured the blue bell ice cream factory (the "gingerbread house" ice cream is AMAZING.)
not bad for a five day visit.

count wonka

last night after everyone left the office, i swapped out all of their office nameplates with black and orange halloween names ("andrew kilzer" became "andrew killer", etc... for my own door i just went with "count dracula")

this morning in my dance class a few lucky girls got to swing dance will willy wonka.

i took this picture with the camera in my imac at work and shared it on facebook. posting the picture then making it my new profile pic meant it appeared twice on my timeline. at last count, the combined "likes" from the two pictures is at 93. i'm sincerely flattered.

i listened to oingo boingo's dead man's party, the good songs from the rocky horror picture show, an pretty solid halloween playlist on spotify, and watched thriller while waiting for my boss to come and check out my newest edit on my cancer video.

while i never watch network television anymore, i happened to check the guide just as it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown was starting. it's not the same as the Christmas special, but i think there's still something really great that it's still showing on tv almost fifty years later.

and i even took time for a real, sit down scripture study this evening.

"we are the dreamers and we are the music makers"

blank inside

taking a break from working in the lab and listening to radiohead's "king of limbs."

Comedy Central

actually, i've been taking a lot of breaks. i think it might be time to call it a night.