all the way to reno (and then some)

saturday, may 28, 2011
6:00 p.m. northern california

we're here, essentially.

NOT the ocean

we made it to jaime's dad's house, which is our official destination, since the point of the whole trip was to get jess's car from there to here. but jaime and i decided we were going to go coast to coast, which is why we're in the car for two more hours: i'm going to put my feet in the pacific ocean, dangit! ...or at least take a picture of us at it.

today was our shortest drive: 9 and some hours, i think. and it's certainly felt short. honestly, it's felt like a three-hour drive. after three days of driving 12-14 hours, 9 is a breeze. we're just numb to it all now, i think.
i played dj for the morning, spinning (can i say that, even though it's on an ipod?) r.e.m.'s “new adventures in hi-fi” because this guy i knew in college told me it was really good music for driving west on I-80. worked for me. that was followed by arcade fire, the decembrists, and any other hipster fodder i could find on my pod.  yesterday jaime consented to let me play kraftwerk's "autobahn" because we're on a road trip and i wanted to.

I-80 goes right past the salt flats and jaime had never been on them before, so this definitely justified a stop. rather than being a white desert, however, it was a lake. whether from rain or snow melt, i dunno, but water doesn't drain quickly (or at all?) out there, and so until it evaporates, it's not going anywhere. so, when life gives you a lake, walk on the water!  one gnarly feature of the salt flats is that it's completely level, so the water is three inches deep at the “shore” and three inches deep 50 yards out. i suggested jaime trounce out there for a rad picture and she, being a good sport, took off her shoes, rolled up her jeans, and walked straight out. even watching that was nearly an optical illusion, as it seemed like she should've been getting deeper, but never did.

while she was standing out there, a lady yelled, “you're famous!” as jaime was putting her shoes back on, the lady walked over and said she took her picture and was going to show it to her friends in new hampshire (i instinctively wanted to ask to see her car until i remembered that we had new hampshire). i explained to her that this wasn't the great salt lake and that normally it was a desert.
back on the road, we saw a “hawaii” plate. and got excited.

nevada was prettier and more interesting than i remember (i confess: so was wyoming), we listened to talks by elder maxwell, oaks, uchtdorf, and bednar, and stopped at the in-n-out in reno. as i mentioned a few days ago, one of our rules for this trip was to eat at local places as much as possible; in-n-out counts because a) there isn't one anywhere in the big ol' state of texas and b) it's awesome.

it turned out that the reno in-n-out was actually in sparks, nv. i know sparks because that's where my mom grew up. i've always pictured it as a small little town on the outskirts of the world's biggest little city, but apparently that was then. it's pretty big, boasting casinos and seemingly a part of reno. between new jersey, iowa, and here, it's been nice to drive through a bit of my family history.

excepting the rainstorm in indiana on our first night, we've had good weather this whole trip. until california: snowstorm.
yeah.
nothing like wrapping up a four-day road trip with a snowstorm on a winding mountain road.
but we're here now, less than two hours from the pacifc.
i'm hoping some families from vermont or rhode island are enjoying that same beach.

you gotta fight....

in my readings on interviews with great directors and cinematographers, i've again and again people say that the best advice they've received was "don't back down when you know you're right," or attributing a great director's success to their determination to their vision, their refusal to back down.

and yet the global fundamental of working in a collaborative art form like film making is the grand art of compromise.  we all know that.  we all know that it's important to work with others, to listen to their ideas, even if they aren't your favorite.  not to demand that it's only your ideas, but to listen to others' opinions.

so i've been wondering about that this past week, as we've been going in circles on the story for our summer animation.  we've gotten tired, frustrated, and exhausted with the story and even with each other.  (in a twisted way, i kind of like this, because it think it'd be pretty rad to work in story some day and i know that this is absolutely what it's like in the big leagues....)   further making things difficult, there's no director here, no one with any greater weight or voice than any other.  so we just go in circles, almost coming to a solution then everything falling apart again in dissent.

by nature, i'm one who likes to include everyone, to try to listen to every voice and address them all.  and yes, that's a very good quality (no, i'm not perfect at it), but over the years i've been learning, too, that there are times when it's important and necessary to be decisive, to look at the options, and then make an executive decision.

i don't have that power or option here, but it's something i've been thinking about this week, and something i've been trying to be better at in my life.

days of heaven

friday, may 27, 2011
4:05 p.m. passing cheyene, wy

one unanticipated fun thing about traveling with jaime is that i'm guy with the pretty girl that all the guys get jealous of at the truck stops.

it's like the ocean!

we grabbed lunch at the ta truck stop just outsde of cheyene. jaime went for taco bell, i chose a whopper and remembered that burger king's fries aren't that good. we still check for the elusive ruby red squirt at every stop, precisely because it is just that—elusive--i suppose. there's something really interesting about the truck stop culture; i'd like to do a documentary there or at least listen to a “this american life” show about it. although the visual look of the guys is a definite part of the experience, so maybe radio wouldn't be the best medium.

we stayed last night at brady's parents' house. they were great, very welcoming and happy to have us there. i talked movies briefly with brady's dad then we went to our rooms. as i was lying in bed, enjoying the comfort, jaime sent me a text: “this bed is awesome!” i smiled.

this morning we spotted montana, wyoming (yeah, didn't see that one until about a hundred miles from the state), and louisiana, which i didn't see but jaime spotted. we're down to three license plates: vermont, hawaii, and rhode island. due to some road construction, we were merged to a two-lane highway, which had me pressed up against the wind shield, trying to spot the one-foot plates on front of the cars moving at a relative 160 mph past me. i thought i saw vermont and hawaii, but couldn't confirm them. it's even trickier when each state has several variants. who knows, maybe some rhode island family is vacationing at wendover?

somehow, my road always
leads me back here

yesterday jaime noted how everyone mentions how boring nebraska is to drive through, but she said she thinks it's pretty; she compared it to the ocean: green extending as far as you can see.  i like that and agreed with her, even as i got a text from a friend this morning commenting on how dull nebraska is. irrespective of nebraska however, she, i, and, most vehemently, my brother, dislike wyoming.


we're on disc 15 of 17 on hp7, the trip odometer says 1,932, and we're staying in salt lake tonight.  today we have no planned sights to see except the country around us.
the road goes on.

saul, paul, and me

one of the most notable characteristics of the lds church is that of personal revelation: of receiving divine guidance in response to questions and choices in my own life.

i really started to learn about this as a missionary.  my branch president in the mtc gave us a lesson on the different ways that we receive revelation with more clarity and reality than i have ever heard before or since.  it drastically altered the way i tried to live each day, and as we would learn more about following those spiritual promptings and impressions during training meetings in japan, i tried to apply that into my life.

like most determined returned missionary byu freshman, i worked to live my life in accordance with the Spirit.  i prayed about things.  i studied them out in my mind.  i went to God in humble prayer for guidance on all manner of decisions, choices, and paths.  i waited.  i listened for what i should do, looked for answers and signs.

and i think i did alright at it.  i remember my mission president telling me something during my final interview with him.  he asked what i'd learned most during my time as a missionary and i replied that i learned about the guidance that comes from the gift of the Holy Ghost.  he compared it to a fiber optic cable, saying that people could look at it and think, "oh, there's light," not realizing that in that light is information.  likewise, he said, the feeling of the Spirit isn't just to give us a warm fuzzy feeling, it's to teach us something.
then he told me something that has echoed with me in all the years since.  "there are some decisions in our lives that the Lord feels very strongly about," he said.  "and there are other things that He says, 'you decide.'  and those decisions," he wisely noted, "can be maddening."

sincerely wanting to following Heavenly Father in all things, it can be very easy to sit, at your bedside or simply in your life, and wait for the correct answer.  we want to do what is right and we don't want to make a choice that is displeasing to God, and so we don't move until we see it (to borrow a line from searching for bobby fischer.)

i've thought about saul.  he persecuted the heck out of the members of the church of Jesus Christ of former-day saints.  he was an absolute terror to them.  and, if i'm not mistaken, he believed he was doing God's work.  then, on his way to damascus one day, he had a vision from God.  his heart was changed, he was baptized, and he became one of the greatest special witnesses of the Savior to ever walk the earth.

he wasn't sitting around his home when the vision came to him.  he was out there, going in a direction and moving with all his might.  yes, he was certainly going in the wrong direction, but he had a goal and was at it with inertia.  when a moving ball bounces up against a wall, it will go in a new direction with (about) as much force as it carried in its initial direction.  a ball that is hardly moving at all won't show much of a change if it bumps against the same wall.

as i've sat in spots in my life, totally willing to do whatever God wanted me to do, just straining hear what He would tell me, i started to think about this.
"for behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.  verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;" (d&c 58:26-27)

i don't remember praying a lot about coming to a&m.  i knew i needed to find a career that would allow me to support and family and still creating amazing art for all the world to behold and this computer animation thing sounded like a good choice.  i don't think God has decreed that unless i am a computer lighting artist that i will be damned and go to hell.  i do think He knows me pretty well and would agree that i'd probably enjoy this more than i would selling insurance policies, and He will direct me to those things which will bring greatest happiness.  but for so many choices, there are plenty of great options and it's our choice.

becoming like God requires we learn to follow Him in all things, but using our gift of agency also means taking the scary risk of making choices for ourselves.  even if we make the wrong choice, He'll nudge us to the right one.  i've seen this in my own life.  but we won't see that until after we make the choice.

personally, i sometimes wonder if i've gone too far in that direction and i'm trying to counsel with the Lord a little more these days.
i'll get it right, someday.

fields of dreams

thursday, may 26, 2011
7:46 p.m. somewhere along the plains of iowa

driving through iowa at sunset, i think this is the most beautiful part of our trip so far.

this morning we left our hotel in indiana, took I-80, crossed I-94, and passed by chicago. I-80 leads to utah, I-94 leads right to my parents' house in minnesota, and chicago is my old temple district. so this is kind of a junction of my life.

i'd never been to kirtland before, but i've been to nauvoo twice and, apart from going to the temple (which we wouldn't have time for), i wasn't really sure what i wanted to see on our stop there. we stopped by john taylor's house, where a somewhat nervous sister missionary gave us a tour. unlike a fair amount of buildings there, the john taylor home is the real deal, so that was cool. cooler still is the story the sister told us about the rocking horse in the upstairs bedroom: when they left nauvoo, their son was crying for the first few days. when they learned that it was because he was missing his beloved rocking horse, john taylor went back, and, in disguise, recovered his son's toy. most of the pictures i've seen of president taylor have him looking somewhat gruff, so it was fun to hear about the compassionate side of him.

next door was the printing shop, where john taylor was the editor of the town paper (i had no idea....) the senior sister missionary gave us a demostration of how printing was done back in the day. we learned that “mind your p's and q's” was a saying that came from making sure the apprentices put the correct letters back in the appropriate boxes, and that “upper case” and “lower case” designations are because capital letters were kept in the upper cases and the, um, lower cases were kept in the “lower cases.” i don't have as fervent of a fascination with old timey printing that some readers here do, but i still think it's pretty dang cool and took some pictures of it all.

we wandered around town aimlessly for a bit, not really sure what we wanted to see. i've always liked the red brick store but wasn't really sure where it was, since all of the streets and brick buildings look the same to me. jaime said she wanted to see where joseph and hyrum were buried, so we headed to the cumminity of Christ section of town.
we found the smith family cemetary, where not only are the prophet and his brother are buried, but also emma and several of their children and other relatives. located next to a small house and on the bank of the mississippi river, it's a beautiful spot. we took a moment to read the plaques posted around and appreciated what it all meant.

just down the block was the red brick store. why do i think the red brick store is so cool? well, first of all, it's where the temple endowment was first given. that's a pretty special pace. it was also where the relief society was organized. and i realized that the times i'd been here before, i'd never been inside (although i've filmed an interview with one of joseph smith's decendants in front of it). but the sign said “open for business”, so we went inside.

it's set up like an old general store, which joseph initially ran (but wasn't a very good businessman, due to extending credit to so many people). and today it sells old fashioned candy, harmonicas, dishes, sun stones, and replicas of the original copies of the book of mormon, book of commandments, and other such things. the man working the counter offered to answer any questions and, after a few minutes of browsing the wares, i asked him to tell me what he could about the history of the red brick store.

i learned that the store was also joseph smith's office, that he gave his final instructions to the quorum of the twelve upstairs, talked with his son, joseph smith III about succession in the church there, that bishop newell k. whitney also kept an office there (he took over management of the store, i think), and that upstairs was where the community nominated joseph for u.s. presidential candidacy.

jaime and i explored upstairs. she noted the beautiful view outside of the office window, something i hadn't bothered to notice. we took some pictures in the main room then she went back downstairs. i took a few moments to lean against the door frame and think about where i was.

we found a new mexico license plate (still holding out hope for vermont and rhode island), passed sidney rigdon's nauvoo home (saw his place in kirtland yesterday, where an old lady peered out from behind the curtains at me), and spent some time taking pictures of the temple.

we had lunch at dottie's cafe, where we each got the day's special: country fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn, all for $5.50. it was arguably the most home-cooked meal i've ever had in a place of business; even the plates looked like they came from a grandmother's kitchen and not a diner. however, we were crestfallen when our waitress's confession that they were out of ice cream dashed our hopes for a root beer float (jaime) and a chocolate shake (me). still, i was enjoying the small town diner atmosphere and the gaggle of old farmers sitting at the counter, talking and watching a john wayne movie made everything better.


before we left town, jaime suggested we go check the sinclar station for ruby red squirt.
i guess i should explain that. i'm not sure when, but since sometime around high school, i've associated road trips with ruby red squirt and hostess snowballs. i don't know why, but when i'm on a road trip of any substantial size (more than a day, i guess), i feel a need to get myself a bottle of ruby red squirt and some hostess snowballs. i rarely drink pop, nor do i go for gas station junk food much, either, but it's a special food for a special occassion, not much different than cranberries at thanksgiving.

the hostess snowballs are pretty much ubiquitous across the country, but i can't remember the last time i bought ruby red squirt (probably when brady and i drove to fargo two and a half years ago) (jaime just spotted an idaho license plate!), so i didn't know if it was even made any more. so far, every gas station we've stopped in hasn't had it. and, unsurprisingly, this sinclair station wasn't any different.
next door was a local grocery store and, while i was heading for the car, jaime went to the neighboring store and so i followed her. inside, the small drink coolers held the elusive red drink. i was pretty dang excited. jaime decided to try something new and bought a drink called “big blue.” i've seen “big red” in texas and heard some texans talk about how great it is, but i've never neen interested to try it. she rightly described “big blue” as tasting like a melted slurpee and i was glad that she's picked it and not me. i'd forgotten how good the ruby red is.

we just put in disc 12 (of 17) from the deathly hallows, are scheduled to get to brady's parents in nebraska a little after midnight, and as the sun gets lower in the sky, the green rolling hills of iowa just get more and more enchanting.
dad, this is for you:

[well, i was hoping to have the "is this heaven?" "no, it's iowa" scene from field of dreams here.
youtube fail.]

easy riders

author's note: i kept a journal during the trip, hoping to post as our adventure was unfolding.  but our stops were rarely longer than enough time to sleep and eat, and internet was as little scarce at times anyway.
so, pretend it's really happening, 'k?

wednesday, may 25, 2011
1:20 p.m. somewhere on the pennsylvania turnpike

i forced myself to wake up by 7:17 this morning. that's 6:17 a.m. texas time, and 5:17 a.m. on utah time, where i was just a week ago. the girls had been up for a while before then.
as inevitably happens when planning to leave for a road trip, we left about two hours after we'd planned. as long as we get to stop and look at the kirtland temple, that's really all the time i need at our stop today, so we're still plenty good for time.

jaime brought harry potter 7 on cd for our trip. we're already on disc 3 (of 17.) on my end, i loaded up my ipod with a few david sedaris audio books, about a dozen episodes of "this american life", and did my best to make a playlist of songs that would be recongizable to jaime (i kicked our trip off with the obligatory "life is a highway.")

we've got fruit cups and fiber one granola bars and a 24-pack of bottled water. my tire pressure guage that i brougt along "just in case" has already proven useful (nothing serious; we were just checking the car at the rest stop (named "a-plus: the official pit stop of nascar!") and the air pump's pressure guage was broken). and the pennsylvania countryside has gotten increasingly beautiful as we've driven along I-76. i've been sticking my point-n-shoot camera out the window at lush countrysides and rolling hills with mixed results.

my view

we're having our fun, too. we hold our breath during when we go through tunnels and make wishes and have started playing the license plate game (with a four-day road trip from coast to coast, how could you not?) i even found an app for my phone that keeps track of that state plates we've seen.  so now both of us lean to get a closer look every time we pass a car. we've traveled 225 miles out of 2,900 (or so) and have seen 27 out of 51. as long as we can still pick up new hampshire, massecheusetts (i suspect i saw one but couldn't confirm it), and d.c. while we're still in the eastern time zone, i think we'll get them all.

2:24 p.m. i told jaime i really hope to find a d.c. plate. she questions if there even is a d.c. plate. i show her the picture of it on my phone. she says we likely won't see one. i fretfully wonder if she's right. it's just a city, not a state, so there aren't a lot of people there. and families are the ones who usually take raod trips, and they probably live in maryland or virginia.

2:27 p.m. i recongize the plate we're closing in on. i confirm it's d.c. i start cheering. jaime gets a slightly worried look at me then comments how crazy it is that just a few minutes earlier we were saying how we probably wouldn't see it.

2:36 p.m. ginny is giving harry his birthday present on our audio book.
there's a tunnel coming up.
they're kissing. i'm holding my breath in the tunnel. this one's really long.
dang, i can't see the end.
jaime usually drives faster so we can make it, but there's a lame car in front of us.
i made it.


8:53 p.m. we're about 30 miles past cleveland.

stopping in kirtland has added about three hours to our trip but was definitely worth it. i felt the Spirit as we drove up the hill toward the temple and found myself grinning automatically. we got there around 6:30. the lds sites are open until 7:00, but the temple is owned by the community of Christ and the tours end at 5.
 still, jaime and i walked the grounds and took some pictures. i called my sister because we always call each other when we're at the top of mountains, and i figured that the temple is the mountain of the Lord. she informed me that that generally refers to the salt lake temple. thank you, sister.

one of the credos of our trip is to eat at local places. staying on interstates isn't as rich of an experience an cruising on the highways with alton brown, as we're releagated more to the suburbs, but jaime and i found a place called "eat-n-park" that worked for us. i'm pretty sure it's an east coast chain analogous to village inn, but we'd never heard of it, so it still counts. we both got the "pittsburgh turkey" sandwich. toasted bread + turkey + cole slaw + french fries = the sandwich. i quite liked it. jaime was more lukewarm towards it.
we're in a nice rainstorm now, we passed a really cool and creepy old abandoned building in cleveland and are looking to be at our hotel around 1:30 a.m.

america, coast to coast

so my apartment is still somewhat in boxes.  why?  because i tend to be gone every possible second that i'm not in school.  Christmas break: left the day after i finished my final final, came back a day or two before the semester began.  spring break: same deal.

with the three to four weeks we had off between the spring semester and the summer term (depending on when you were done with your projects), i figured i'd have a good ten days at home to organize, de-clutter, and still hold my own stanley kubrick film festival.  but before i'd even left for my 8-day sabbatical in utah, i'd already filled up the rest of the break with another journey.
jaime mentioned that she was going out to new jersey to see her sister before she deployed to kuwait and was then driving jess's car to their dad out in california.  when i found out that the dates fit right in between my utah trip and school starting back up, i kind of invited myself along.  a drive across america was something i couldn't pass up (only because tickets were blessedly dang cheap; i'm not rich or even being irresponsible, here.)

this is the kind of gnarly hallway
you get to walk through in the
detroit airport.  the colors change.

i left on a monday, giving me a day and a bit to hang out with the sisters in new jersey before we had to go.  i've done a fair amount of flying over the past few years and have had relatively good luck with the airlines, so it was only a matter of time until i got delayed.
i spent 45 minutes waiting in the terminal in detroit for the thunderstorm outside to calm down, then, once we were boarded on the plane and the door closed so that no one could get off, we waited for three hours for a storm to move past philadelphia.  the crew gave us all the peanuts, pretzels, and cookies we could want and the captain had a great sense of humor and showed us he was our side.  then we waited on the tarmac for another 50 minutes.  kind of ironic for a 45 minute flight.

i wouldn't've packed the
back seat so tightly had i
known i'd be riding there.

i wondered if i would be in the way out there, but we filled up the day pretty well.  i did what i could to help in moving jess's things out and got to see what a military base looked like.  as best as i can remember, i'd never seen one, just heard about them.  i guess i imagined them to look like.... a g.i.joe base?  instead, they're more like a little town.  we helped jess get the gear she needed (although the military isn't the best about keeping a variety of sizes in stock....) and jaime and i stocked up on water, granola bars, and fruit cups for our 3,000 mile journey.  jess bought some socks.

to make sure our trip really was coast to coast, we drove to the atlantic ocean.  the general impression i've had of new jersey is from all of the jokes about newark being dirty and smelly, leaving me thinking that the whole state is a mob-owned nyc reject.
nope.
we saw plenty of beautiful farmland, passed through some really awesomely quaint towns (new egypt, nj, everyone), and yet somehow still ended up having dinner at an applebee's, due to my smart aleck comment.

my feet were in the atlantic ocean.
the next morning, we were headed for the pacific.

instead, some favorite songs

didn't have time today get write the blog post that i wanted.

maybe tomorrow.

:: era :: favorite song :: artist ::

• sixth grade :: birdhouse in your soul :: they might be giants
• junior high :: the sidewinder sleeps tonight :: r.e.m.
• high school :: not sure :: probably from ben folds five
• college :: best imitation of myself :: ben folds five
• after that :: brian wilson :: barenaked ladies
• past few years :: spring and a storm :: tally hall

it's a post

i'd hoped to get a post up today, since i have nearly a dozen i want to publish, but that didn't happen.
so, as i've been getting ready for the start of the summer course tomorrow and thinking about why i was glad i wasn't home last week, i came across this on during one of my very rare times of actually looking at a person's facebook page.
as i'm not likely to post anything else in the next seven minutes of today, i thought i'd pass this along.

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. the alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. the only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell." ~c.s. lewis

two wuv

alyssa recently wrote about "breaking up with your favorite bands," comparing liking a band to a romantic relationship and looking at how those relationships change over the years.  i've been tossing around ideas for some music posts lately, and this seemed like a good format for some of those thoughts.  so, alyssa, the idea that you borrowed from someone else, i'm now using.

in talking with a few friends, i've noted that i'm one who doesn't easily fall in love, but when i do, i'm in for the long haul, not giving up easily or without a fight.  my listeners inevitably praise this quality, telling me that it's one of my best traits, although considering my life history, i can't help but wonder.  at times, it feels akin to owning a fully-equipt mechanic's garage but not having a car.
whatever the case, in light of alyssa's analogy, i think i'm the same with my musical relationships.  behold:

my exes

weird al

my goofy, junior high romance: dated the class clown, felt silly for a while, and now respect him for what he is.  we still go out of milkshakes occasionally, just to reminisce (musical metaphorically speaking, that is.)

the barenaked ladies

they're that date that you're friends think you'd be great with, and you go out and yeah, they're pleasant and nice and all, but there's just not really any connection there.  they were one of the funnest concerts i've ever been to and i subsequently bought a few of their cds.  "brian wilson" is one of my favorite songs (from anyone), but there's nothing special between us.

ben folds [five]

we connect on some great levels but it just can't work out.  he broke up with his band and i kind of broke up with him.  i didn't realized how different things were until i saw him in concert a few years ago; his solo stuff still sounds like the bf5 songs, yet i noticed that all of the best songs, the ones that i really loved, were from the ben folds five era.  recently, his albums have had more and more words i don't like, so we're essentially over. i still listen to (and rock out and emote to) the old songs and remember how good things were.  no one has a way with words and emotions quite like him.  

we'll always have "best imitation of myself."

friends with benefits

radiohead
like every other artistic male in college, i dated radiohead.  they were so artistic and passionate, enigmatic yet they understood how i felt.  or something like that, anyway.
their concert was a good life lesson for me, but i soon noticed that their moodiness and broodiness was starting to drag me down and i cooled things off, keeping them on the shelf for several years.  with the release of their newest album this year, i decided that maybe that enough time had passed that we could be friends now.

coldplay
the girl you're attracted to and she likes you, she's beautiful and inspiring and i have every cd and love them all, but we just didn't really click on a deep level like i did with some others.  we're better as friends than dating.

the beastie boys
i guess even i wanted to date the bad boys, just to feel cool.  but i'm not that kind of person and couldn't really go through with it.
then, about a year ago, popped in the one cd of theirs i did have (hello nasty, which i bought when it came out ten years ago because it didn't have "parental advisory" sticker on it) and really liked it.  a lot.  and when i found out that i could buy "clean" versions of their cds, we were dating and my roommates got to hear all about it: "you mean i get all the excitement of dating the rebel and can still carry my for the strength of youth pamphlet without shame?  yeah, i'm free friday night!"
like the proverbial trouble-makers at school, there's really a lot more to them than their loud, obnoxious songs (in fact, i can hardly listen to their greatest hits cds, because it's only those loud songs; the rest of their albums have a much broader range.)  i still have no idea why guys who are known for their rebellious attitudes keep releasing "clean" versions, but their latest album still has me very much attracted to them.

my true loves

they might be giants

i had a crush on the johns in junior high, when i felt embarrassed for going steady with them and tried to hide it for fear of being outcast (i still have and wear (sorry, mom) my apollo 18 t-shirt that i bought in eighth grade.)  i embraced our relationship in high school, doing whatever i could to see their concerts and get ahold of their music.  they're smart, too clever for their own good, brilliant and eclectic musicians: the kind of people i want to be with.
in college we grew apart some, as relationships sometimes do, although i'd see them here and there (experimental film, anyone?) and remember why i was in love.
then, in the fall of 2009, i drove to montana for a commercial and listened to them shuffled on my ipod for five hours straight.  this was our second honeymoon, and i was reminded once again that we were soul mates.  it was love all over again and i'm never leaving them.

r.e.m.

as i was trying to find someone more musically popular to date than two nerdy guys from brooklyn, r.e.m. was becoming the most popular band in the world (circa 1993).  i thought we might make a good couple and, with the help of the bmg music club (the musical dating site of the mid-90s, so to speak), i soon had all of their cds for one or two pennies.
like i said, when i fall in love, i'm committed.  i learned everything about them and collected every rare bootleg and import cd i could find (including their ultra-rare Christmas singles....)
they were my first concert and you always remember your first time.  it was as magical as any high school romance: i got a call to go to the office on one of the last days of school my freshman year, where the lady in the office told me that my mom had gotten me tickets to the show in minneapolis and that my dad would be there to pick me and my best friend up after school.
yeah.
awesome.
it was incredible, a massive show that was everything i wanted it to be.  i still have the shirt from that show, too....
we've grown old together.  they faded from popularity through the latter half of the 90s and continued to dwindle in the 2000s, but i've stood by them, buying and listening to every release, long after their hot and popular prime.  i saw them in concert in 2004, when they played to an audience a quarter of the size they commanded ten years earlier and it was just as good then as it was in high school.
today they're a dinosaur band.  kids know them only from picking up their classic releases, like i do with the clash.
but true love endures.  their release this year, collapse into now, is amazing, the best thing they've done since before i could speak japanese, and i'll be listening to it for a long time.  it's a reminder that there is still life and vigor in the latter years of a relationship.

tally hall

my eternal companions.  it was love at first sight and over the years the things about you that i first didn't think much of are now what i love most about you.  always and forever i will be with you.  you are mine. (well, and hers.)
and if anyone wants to date me, you need to appreciate the hall, too.  for thus saith the spice girls, "if you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends.  making love's forever; tally hall never ends."


sharing advice from his brother, michel gondry said, "you can't be in love with your girlfriend everyday. it come and goes and it's normal.  but it always comes back.  in general."

i suppose the same could be said for romantic relationships, too.

just try it

so this one time, i was having lunch with a friend.  i had an awesome pastrami sandwich and a small bowl of some of the best italian pasta salad i'd had in a long time (the sandwich came with a pickle, too).  she was telling me about this guy she'd been dating.
things weren't going well and never really had in the five or so weeks that they'd been trying it out.  he had pursued her for a while and finally she decided to give it a shot.  their schedules were crazy busy but she'd started making changes to spend more time with him.  he had, too, but she still felt very neglected and often felt like she was an afterthought.  they had started dating at a hectic time and, she noted, they never really had a good chance.

she was hurt.  he felt terrible that it wasn't working out at all even thought he thought he was trying so hard.  "and that's the sad thing, jeff," she'd said a few days earlier.  "he is trying so hard and it's still not working at all!"  in trying to acknowledge the reality of the situation and his deficiency, he asked her if she could remember two days in a row where he hadn't disappointed her or hurt her feelings.
she couldn't remember a time.

i felt terrible.  i didn't like seeing a friend so sad and frustrated.  and i thought it was interesting that, after he working so hard to win her affection, how much she was now sacrificing in her life to make it work.

the day that we were having lunch, they had earlier held their nth d.t.r. (and, as one of my roommates had once noted, d.t.r.s are almost never good...)

but this one had been.

they both really wanted to make it work and so they did.  they took turns talking honestly, explaining how they each communicated, why they said the things they did, what they were trying to express, and what they needed from the other, since both were willing to give, they just didn't know what to give.
they left the seemingly-doomed meeting with hope on the horizon.

when my friend politely asked if she could check her phone during our lunch, i couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy as she smiled at the text she'd received. "he misses me," she shared.

master yoda once taught me, "do or do not.  there is no try."
i used to think he meant, "don't say you'll 'try.'  either you decide to do it or you decide not to."  as i heard in church last sunday, whether you say you can or you can't, you're right.
but maybe it's that trying leads to doing.
that, sometimes, trying is doing.

people

i finally got around to watching 127 hours.

i liked it.

more emotionally than artistically, although i think it deserved its best picture nomination.

barely a year ago, i was on the production for just a few days shy of half the shoot.  like watching anything that i've worked on, it's always a bit jarring, seeing the finished product, since one shot of james/aron running across the canyon land is cut with the next shot, one that that we filmed a week later and two hundred miles away.  i found myself trying to guess which of the two canyon sets was used for the different shots, or which were the rare ones that were done on location (at least, i think so; i was only there for the last day of that location.  although i did ride the helicopter home that night sitting next to danny, thank you.)

i remembered the day that i slept only an hour the night before, the 100-mile drive from the hotel to set so that we could be there in time to have breakfast before the sun started to rise on the desert, the extremely heavy backpack i carried a mile into the location, so that i would have all the gear i would need in case danny needed to see any previously shot footage.  i recognize the shots from the day that we didn't get lunch, because the caterer put the food out early and, in the hot sun, it was all ruined by lunch time.  i remembered days of shooting, even some very complicated, expensive, and dangerous shots that weren't in the final cut of the movie.  or the grueling ordeal of filming the rescue helicopter landing, over and over, all of us being blasted with sand and dust repeatedly, and how it got into every part of my electronic equipment (and how happy i was when i got it working again a week later.)  i remember feeling lucky that i got to be there for actual "arm cutting off" scene, and that i spent two days watching the monitors as james agonizingly cut through seven prosthetic arms, and that even though i knew they were fake, i couldn't help but cringe when he cut the nerve.

i remembered my very first day, being so nervous about getting tossed into a job i knew nothing about (this was one of the two movies i did that i wasn't on the camera crew--and i was actually grateful for that this time....) and how yelena came in three hours ahead of her call time to help me get set up and make sure everything was working properly.  i remembered the shots we were setting up when word reached the set that dave had passed away the night before, and how everything was quiet and somber for the rest of the day (and i was grateful that i the week i had off was the week of his funeral.)

i remembered the blueberries the craft services lady put out and how i would load up a cup full of them, and my irritation when the guy with the lizard wouldn't leave me alone when i was trying to talk with that pretty girl.

it was my last feature film that i really worked on (my name might be on john carter next summer, but that was only two days) and i went through the credits with the pause button, stopping to remember so many different names.

when the film was coming out last fall, i read an interview where danny (boyle, the director) was talking about the theme of the movie.  it was about humanity, he said, and the need for connection.  that while we talk about the joy of leaving cities and society and getting away to the wilderness, he said that ultimately we need each other.  that is what keeps us going, keeps us strong, keeps us alive: people.

i don't think i would have made that clear of an association without his description, but with that in mind,  the opening title sequences of the crowds and masses of people definitely reinforced that.

what i did think about was how much fun aron was having, biking and hiking through southern utah all by himself.

i couldn't really relate.

no, not because i'm not really an outdoors guy.  i've got plenty of pictures of me in southern utah having fun.  but i'm having fun because there are other people in those pictures with me.

so, maybe i'm not an outdoors guy.  maybe i'm a people guy.

which is funny, because when i hear that term, i think of those friends of mine who love meeting new people and seem to know a dozen people wherever they are (you know who you are.)

i don't see myself like that.  

on the plane, i've usually got my book out before the person next to me has even sat down.  but i do see myself as someone who loves the people in my life.  i like having someone around who really knows me.  i love it.

heck, i thrive on it.

we all do, probably.

i think danny would be very happy, then, that i have so many memories from his film shoot because of the people that were with me.

i care less about what i'm doing and more about who i'm with.

that's what it's all about: having a companion.

spring and a storm

this evening me and a friend successfully made a chocolate souffle then watched harry potter #2.  there was nothing about harry or ron making sounds like animals or trains, but i still enjoyed it.

during the movie, a terrific thunderstorm started outside.

after my friend left, i stood outside and watched the lightning for about the space of half an hour.
the moist air was cool.  my bare feet got a little wet as i stood there and thought and watched and thought.

it was beautiful.
and peaceful.
and seriously dang.

wish [you] were here.

how to make a face like this

i had the notion that the facial animation class was a tough, second-year kind of course.  not really sure why, and when i looked around the room one day in the latter half of the semester, i noticed that everyone was a first year like me, with one exception.  and there were also three underclassmen, too.

am i in love with animation and learning to sync speech?  no, not really.

was the class pretty interesting?  yeah, i'd say so.

part of what made it so cool was that my teacher was a pioneer in computer graphics and facial animation and was the guy who made the first computer animated face, a handful of years before i was born.  so it was fun to  just ask him questions and listen to the ensuing stories.

the class was set up for us to make two faces, which was a good method, since we'd discover what was wrong with our first design and could improve it for the second one.  my initial plan was to model chloe o'brien from 24, for not particular reason than i thought it'd be fun.

i found some nice reference images and started modeling my favorite computer analyst.

it was probably around 11:30 the night before this was due when i joked that she kind of looked like lord voldemort.

then i realized that, if i chose to make the dark lord, i wouldn't have to both with modeling a nose.

bonus!

and at this point, chloe o'brien began to evolve into tom riddle.

you don't see you-know-who making a quizical expression often, but i think i did a decent job with him.

he's very blocky because that shows the geometric design of him, which is important for understanding if he'll be able to move and talk correctly.  in computer graphics, the geometric design is kind of like the muscle structure: you want things in the right place according to what it's going to do.

press one button in the computer and he comes out smoothed:

he had some problems, but i was able to make him say "happy" with moderate success.

(one of my friends make a really scary zombie clown and it didn't occur to him until too late that, without lips, it would be very hard for him to talk.  admirably, though, he did his best with that and it looked pretty good!)

at spring break we started into our second face, which would become our final project: animating full speech. i tossed around some ideas and decided to do "destro", the villain with the metal face from g.i. joe.

trying to find references for a fictional comic/cartoon character is kind of tricky when you want to make him in three physical and realistic dimensions.

this was kind of helpful, but hardly ideal references from which to sculpt.  eventually, i found this, a replica mask from some comic nerd website.

incidentally, these masks were never actually produced, due to low pre-order numbers.  still, i thought it looked seriously awesome; strong, powerful, imposing, definitely a mask but also very human.

now, our first model was due the day after we got back from spring break, and since i spent the whole time out snowboarding in colorado (never did get around to posting about that, did i?), this was my initial model:

mask: awesome.

this thing: goofy and dumb-looking.

but it was a nice exercise not only in matching to a model but also looking and see what was right and what needed to be improved upon: much bigger lips, a matching broader chin, shift the jawline, and, well, the list went on.

eventually, i got to this:

i would continue to make adjustments until the last possible moment, but he's certainly looking a lot more bad-awesome.  i adjusted the "collar" at the base of the mask and added a seam around the longitude of his head, where the mask would split into halves, just to add some realism while ignoring the question of how a metal mask deforms for speech or any sort of comfort issues.

i really would have liked to give him some cool textures for his face, some scratches on the metal, some spots duller and some spots shinier, etc.  but like i said before, textures are not my thing and we weren't too heavily graded on that, anyway.  so i just cranked the shininess levels and called it good (more or less....)

now, there are several different ways to do just about anything in computer animation, and we used a few methods in animating our faces.  one of the main ways is what's called "blend shapes."  basically, you make a lot of copies of your face and then sculpt each one into different expressions and poses.  this ranges from "right mouth corner up" to "left eyebrow down" and anything else you might want, as well as different speech postures: "oo", "ah", b/p/m" (all the same lip positioning) and so one.

soon, it looks like this:

then you press a few buttons in the computer and you magically have a row of buttons that controls those expressions on your face.

after that, you move through your vocal track and start matching up the mouth positions with the spoken syllables.  once that's done(ish), start working on the upper half of the face, adding eye blinks, brow movements, and whatever else to add expression.  one key thing is that the eyes should almost always be moving; motionless eye pretty much equals deadness.

since all of our faces will be shown together, we tried to have a common thread linking what they were saying.  in past years, they've answered the question, "what happened to your body?"

in maintaining the acknowledgement that we were working with floating heads, we asked "what were your last words?"

while i couldn't think of anything particularly creative, i decided to play against the stereotype and have my big tough guy's last words be him begging for his life.  meh.

a few weeks before the end of the semester i took a week and really focused, really pushed myself, and was super dang happy (and surprised!) when my teacher only a had a few--and very specific--suggestions for me the next day in class.  i added some lighting and a backdrop and also put a few objects off-screen to be reflected in his shiny metal face to make it more interesting to look at.  then, for funsies, i animated the camera to move like a documentary camera, adjusting the framing as he was talking (tried to do some focus work, but that was more hassle than i felt like dealing with.)  a few more touches and he was done.

EDITOR'S NOTE: THERE'S SOUND HERE NOW.

and i finished without having to do any terrible all-nighters.
which was nice, because i inexplicably needed a lot of time to work on my compositing final....

let's play hungry hungry hippos instead

five or six weeks ago i planned a trip to utah for the break time between semesters.  as the trip was getting closer i began to wonder i was overzealous in staying for eight days, if that would leave me sitting around bored for a lot of the time.  but so far it's been a good balance between having plenty to do and also having enough down time to relax, unwind, think, ponder, and work on some pre-visualization for our summer course.

it's strange driving around provo.  i moved away nearly nine months ago and yet it feels so natural to be home, almost as if i hadn't left at all.

i'm also not as good of a dancer as i thought, but i did learn a few new moves tonight.  still need plenty of practice, though.

like i'd never left.

(i tried some new cologne while browsing at bath and bodyworks tonight and sitting here now all i can think is dang, i smell good.)